As seen on Fox Seuss.
The Conservative Lorax
By Adam Conover
The LITTLE BOY from the Lorax stands in a grove of Truffula Trees, planting trees and tending after the forest. A much older voice -- the boy, all grown up -- narrates. NARRATOR (V.O.) Way back in the year Six Hundred Sniggledy-Sneeze I was taking good care of the Truffula Trees. I gave them fresh water, and fed them fresh air I planted new Truffulas and grew them with care. The boy kicks a bunch of Oncelers in Seussian tree-chopping machines out of the forest. NARRATOR (V.O.) I kept the trees safe from the axes that hack so the Lorax and all of his friends would come back. The boy finishes hammering in a sign reading "Truffula Preserve" and looks at it proudly. NARRATOR (V.O.) When all of a sudden I heard a ga-ZUMMER! And a strange little man popped out of a Hummer. A Seussian Hummer limo rolls up. The door opens, and the Lorax pops out, dressed in a sharp suit. (Parentheses indicate the narrator reading part of the line) LORAX What's going on here? (he said with a shout) What's the meaning of kicking these good axe-men out? BOY But you're the Lorax! (I said), You speak for the trees! LORAX I was! But that was before I read these. The Lorax pulls out some books. LORAX Atlas Shrugged, End the Fed, and the National Review (aside) Not to mention a well placed donation or two. One of the Oncelers hands him some cash. LORAX Now I am the Lorax and I speak for free markets! So why are you making the Thneed industry targets? BOY I'm trying to care for the Truffula trees Because trees are the one thing that all people need! LORAX Won't you think of the poor little Wall Street Tycoots, prancing so free in their Brooks Brothers suits? A ways away, a group of fuzzy little bears in expensive suits huddle on a Seussian trading floor, looking pathetic despite the wads of money sticking out of their pockets. LORAX They provided capital to finance ThneedCo If they don't make a profit they all will go broke! The Tycoots are the economic engine today. We need regulation to get out of their way! A few of the Tycoots faint, dramatically, as though from hunger. The boy holds his nose up self-righteously. BOY Why should I care for those fatty Tycoots? I think they're greedy and all in cahoots! I'd rather the forest be wild and free You can't put a price on a Truffula tree! LORAX As a matter of fact, you can, to the cent! This park is maintained at Jaxpayer expense. Nearby is an area full of pitiful-looking "Jaxpayers", Seussian-Americans with "Jaxpayer" written on their shirts waving little American flags. Honestly the conceit is getting a little thin at this point. LORAX If you keep it open they'll be pounded to jam By the Uvvulous Gruvvulous Unkulus Sam! Jaxpayers run in fear as a slavering monster in a red-white and blue top hat advances towards them. It catches the slowest Jaxpayers and pounds them into the ground with its giant fists, greedily consuming the cash that falls out of their pockets. The boy looks startled and afraid. BOY (unsure) But isn't it worth a hobuck or two to save a green spot that all people can use? The Lorax claps his hands together with glee. LORAX Well that's just it boy, you've said more than you knew! ThneedCo's a person and it has rights too! A nearby ThneedCo factory sprouts a face and looks sad. It has nowhere to play! LORAX It's not fair to keep Truffulas for just folks like us when corporate entities love trees so much! The factory sheds big wet tears. The boy looks at the sad factory, the sick Tycoots, and the injured Jaxpayers. His heart swells, and he feels sorry for them. The Lorax puts his hand on his shoulder. He speaks tenderly. LORAX And come now my boy, we have bigger worries! Like deficits, debt, and Illegal Imgurries He points aways away, where a bunch of sombrero-wearing fur balls with teeth gnash behind a wall. The boy looks fearful. LORAX (quietly and persuasively) When Gramerica's facing REAL beasties like these, ss our biggest concern really Truffula Trees? The boy stares at everything the Lorax has shown him. It makes a lot of sense. NARRATOR The Lorax was right -- he was sharp as a tack. Who was I to hold the economy back? Holding an axe, the Lorax looks at him expectantly. The boy nods in resignation. The Lorax chops down the sign, and The Oncelers stream into the forest and start hacking down trees. Nearby, the Tycoots, suddenly flush with cash, smoke cigars and review profit projections while the ThneedCo factory whistles happily. The boy watches all of this while standing forlornly on a pile of stones, which reads "UNLESS." NARRATOR And then from the sky, I saw something fall, the last Truffula seed, the last one of all A seed falls into the boy's palm. He closes his fist over it resolutely. BOY (to himself) Unless someone like me cares a whole awful a lot, nothing's ever going to get better, it's NOT! The Lorax bends over his shoulder and grabs the seed. LORAX Sorry my boy, but that seed's GMO. It's patented property of Monsanto. Iris out on the Lorax, who winks at the camera.
- Producer - Lacy Wittman
- President of Original Content - Sam Reich
- Vice President of Production / Executive Producer - Spencer Griffin
- Director of Production - Sam Sparks
- Director of Post Production - Michael Schaubach
- Assistant Production Manager - Jeremy Reitz
- Animation - Studio Joho
- Post Production Coordinator - Amanda Madden
- Music - Dan Gross
- Production Accountant - Christine Rodriguez
- Assistant Production Accountant - Erin Marshall
- Eddie Kim