Been feeling kinda hollow lately. I was in The Infinite Pasture when, against all odds, I run into Mary. We kind of had this thing a while ago. In the words of Facebook, "it's complicated." Sorta awk at first, but after a while it felt like old times. She said we should talk again soon, but I didn't have to read her mind to know she didn't mean it. Why I can't meet a girl like her anymore? Not to toot my own horn, but I'm transcendent and handsome ;-).

It really makes you think. I just read this story about a guy who met his fiancee when he dreamed a phone number and sent a text message. I know I've messed with you mortals before, but I, not kidding, 150%, had nothing to do with this. It's soooooo weird. I exist outside the space-time continuum, and this is the kind of thing that just blows my Me-damned mind.

Don't wanna be all Fall Out Boy though, so how about something positive? This weekend I saw Donnie Darko for the first time (I've been busy :P). I'm a pretty big movie buff, and this is definitely one of the best movies of the decade. It's a total masterpiece. If you don't like it, blame me because I'm the one who made you so stupid you can't understand anything more complex than Ghost Rider. I'd watch the director's cut right now if you gamblers would stop bothering me.

Also good today: Everyone was at the Eternal Altar for a meeting about whether we should have a vegan option at the dining hall (answer: no! I made animals tasty for a reason…to be eaten). So this meeting is going on an Hayyel is all uppity about not eating animals and then Gabriel farts. Like, really loud, too. Everyone just kind of stops what they're talking about and is like "Who was that?" He tries to deny it and what not but since I know everything, I was just like "Gabriel did, and it smells terrible." Everyone got pissed at him and he was so embarrassed because Shekinah was there and I know for a fact that he likes her. Oh man, it was awesome.

Mailbag time! If you have a question for Me, either go pray it at church or send me a message via CollegeHumor.

Tommy Wilder asks: Hey God – was Rutgers a safety school or your top choice? What other colleges did you apply to?


I didn't actually attend Rutgers, per se. I took online classes for a few years and eventually earned a BA in Communications. I had to assume human form to graduate, which I proudly did in 2005. When I was growing up nobody went to college, mostly because the universe was infinite nothingness, but also because we just started working young. As I got older, I was embarrassed to not have a college degree so I applied myself and made time for online classes. Thanks for your question, Me be with you.

Jac asks: I have a question. If you're all-knowing, you must know the future. So if you can predict what you will do the next moment, can you change what you will do? If you can change, did you really predict the future? Think about it… whoa.


King LOLomon! U R sooooo funny! As anyone omnipotent can tell you, that's not exactly how it works. I'm the kinda being who is out there just trying to have fun, and nobody can predict what I'm going to do. I'm a wild card – just ask Africa. I see that in you too, maybe we should hang out some time? BTW R U a virgin?