1. Every number I know brings me more intelligence
Teacher: the answer is 69-- john is toast (@johnistoasted) August 20, 2018
Me: nice 😎
Teacher: wait I messed up it's actually 74
Me, just really likes numbers: nice 😎
2. I'll take the A now bitch
me highlighting one important passage in Catcher in the Rye junior year pic.twitter.com/JKuKQlro0f-- Marc (@MarcSnetiker) August 20, 2018
3. Do it and no one gets hurt.
Seamless correlation pic.twitter.com/oTaGfIVcyz-- juice (@RexTrillerson) August 19, 2018
4. Just statistically, someone out there is doing it
anyone who talk shit about young people being on their phones is clapped. we could be reading books on here. learning about the world. expanding our minds. personally i'm only ever talking shit and lookin at memes on mine but other people might be doin that stuff-- beth mccoll (@imteddybless) August 17, 2018
5. Oh thank Christ
6. That's just the way it is
-- Molly Erdman (@erdmanmolly) August 19, 2018
4yr old: Sorry I farted
Me: Do you need to go potty?
4yr old: No, sometimes I fart because I'm watching a great show or movie, or I'm having a great day.
7. Wow you're really good at this
8. I resent being called a stooge it isn't nice at all
i bet the three stooges would be pissed if they figured out the name of their show. they probably think its called "the three normal guys'-- wint (@dril) August 20, 2018
9. Yo how are you gonna do me like that
[Plato returns from the dead]-- Law Boy, Esq. (@The_Law_Boy) August 17, 2018
Plato: so who's that girl, are you together?
Me: nah, it's purely platonic.
Plato: ...what does platonic mean?
Me: it means we don't have sex.
Plato: what the fuck
10. I will not be paying the fee, as I do not have any money
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I'd like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week-- A bi gal (@abbynotabigail_) August 18, 2018
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one--I believe it's called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
11. The market is punishing our industry for no reason at all
Sad to see that breast-based eatery, Hooters, is going out of business, and I fear it bodes poorly for my cafe, Lady Buttholes.-- Wendy Molyneux (@WendyMolyneux) August 21, 2018
12. Dear Sister,
mmm whatcha say pic.twitter.com/oDK2lQFvfu-- isiah (@katanasIice) August 14, 2018
13. And I love her very much
Today a woman on my bus asked if my phone's wallpaper was my girlfriend and I said yes. pic.twitter.com/SOdLYhQQu7-- 🔥アグレッサル [AggresSal]🔥 (@salmattos) August 20, 2018
14. Oh boy here we go
when u see the applebees staff coming around the corner getting ready to sing for ur birthday pic.twitter.com/tcEtBlK0pp-- gary from teen mom (@garyfromteenmom) August 20, 2018