1. "Hun? Has it been a new lunar year yet? I wanna watch the first 40 minutes of the new Minions flick."
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!-- Samantha Ruddy (@samlymatters) August 16, 2018
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don't get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we'll send the FBI to your house.
2. Thank you for sharing.
today I learned that goats who won't stop head butting have to wear pool noodles and it feels like information I should share pic.twitter.com/fqeZpqpo0f-- Goth Ms. Frizzle (@spookperson) August 16, 2018
3. Oh it knows....it knows.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.-- Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) August 16, 2018
I woke up from surgery and apparently said "I feel fucking great I get why people get addicted to this stuff" and they legally had to inform my mom that I said that LMAO-- k8e (@kpfeffss) August 15, 2018
5. YEET we dying slowly but surely!
goodmorning everyone rise and grind lets get this money so we can continue to pay rent until we die haha YEET-- goth turtle (@dubstep4dads) August 16, 2018
6. Ruined? This improves so many mediocre songs.
ate a taco, realized "guac" can be put into any song in place of "walk" and ruined the rest of my damned night-- maura quint (@behindyourback) August 17, 2018
7. They are now best friends.
at the gym i said subscription instead of membership and the girl replied with 'lol this isnt a pharmacy'. bitch thats a prescription were both stupid-- oh, whats occurrin'? (@deifsitassid) August 15, 2018
8. One day you will shit your vacation pants and be grateful you did, though.
does anyone else pack underwear like they're going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?-- Kakathot @FlameCon (@Roobots) August 16, 2018
9. It's an emo LIFE not a phase.
Honestly people who talk about their "emo phase" like a thing of the past are a bunch of cowards like ur either with this shit or ur not-- gren (@benjaminlouisg) August 15, 2018
10. Listen, can you do it or not?
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don't creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in-- Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) August 15, 2018
11. Praise the lord, for he has murdered my debt collector.
My aunt called me crying I asked, whats wrong. She say "God is too good " she kept saying "God Is too good." She crying louder, so I asked again what was wrong & she gone say "You know I owed the Landlord $5,600 in rent?" I told her yea she said "She just died" God is good" 😐-- B.Symonè 🌸 (@BrianaSymoneee) August 10, 2018