Need to wake up in the morning and coffee just isn't doing the trick? Well, we've got something even better at jolting you awake and filling your body with energy and verve - that's right, PANIC ATTACKS!
With panicking, you'll get tons of adrenaline and stress hormones that will get you out of your sleepy stupor in an instant! And the best part of all? It's completely free!
But maybe you aren't sure what to panic about? Well, worry no longer - we've got a wide array of things to worry about!
1. Everyone dies, and there is no logical reason to believe in an afterlife. Your likely fate - and the fate of everyone you have ever loved - is eternal nothingness.
2. You could have the beginnings of a terminal illness right now and not even realize it. It's probably already too late.
3. One or several of your friends and loves ones may secretly resent you, and talk shit about you behind your back. They know what a piece of shit you are, and eventually everyone else will too.
4. The government knows every website you go to, and could use such information to blackmail you if they choose. Yes, they can even track you in incognito mode.
5. What if you just went into a fugue state and when you came out of it you had done something horrible and unforgivable?? What if you murdered someone???? WHAT IF YOU MURDERED A BABY???
6. What if you just tripped a bit and slammed into someone and knocked them into traffic and they died???? And then no one believes you when you say it was an accident??
7. ...AND WHAT IF IT WAS A BABY????
8. What if your boss caught on to how out-of-your-depth you were at your job and how you were a huge fraud who didn't really know what they were doing and they fired you and you were never able to get another job again????
9. WHAT IF EVERYONE HATED YOU AND YOU'RE DYING AND YOU HAVE NO JOB AND NO MONEY AND YOU HAVE NOWHERE TO GO AND NOTHING WILL EVER GET BETTER?????
There! Now you're wide awake, intensely focused, and probably having some trouble breathing! But, hey, at least you didn't have to pay $3 for coffee!