When you're looking for a girl - you want someone UNIQUE. Someone who's NOT like the "other girls." You know the type - the ones who say "I'm not like the other girls" in their social media and dating app profiles.
1. She lives for the drama of it all
Confronting her stepfather over his NRA membership, protesting for better pay for teachers, canvassing for pro-choice local government candidates. Ugh! She just NEVER turns down a chance to start some DRAMAAAAA. Waiting until she reaches the office bathroom to burst into a fit of tears so as not to make a scene in the conference room where she won't even get the chance to speak, and if she did so her point would just be repeated by someone else and then applauded, so what's the point of even trying, anyway? You KNOW we can hear your muffled sobs, Karen - and we are SICK of your drama!
2. She NEVER admits she's wrong
When I send her a VERY convincing meme that says the wage gap is a myth, does she calmly admit the error of her ways? No! She unfriends me and stops answering my texts - classic "basic" behavior. A more mature adult is able to admit when they're wrong, instead of blocking me on Instagram.
3. She's just so NEEDY
Access to safe, affordable healthcare? She needs it. Men in her life who she can trust not to reveal themselves as creeps / false allies? She needs it. Jeez, maybe stop making everything about YOU!
4. She only wants to watch chick flicks
Ugh, you know there are movies OTHER than chick flicks, right? While you wanna see Deadpool 2, she wants to go see some lame-lookin' chick flick like Nadine Labaki's riveting existential drama Capharnaüm. When you wanna rent Deadpool 1, she wants to rent Julia Ducournau's challenging Raw, a tale of lust, violence, and the primal urges that society represses. Ugh! Don't you ever get sick of that mushy crap?
5. She's so clingy
Texting you to ask when you're coming home, repeatedly asking you to do the laundry, asking you if you can drive her home after her appendicitis surgery. Maybe try to be a little more INDEPENDENT, okay? But while she's at it, maybe she can draft up that cover letter that you've been meaning to write.
6. She just can't hang
Remember that time all your college buddies came over to play Settlers of Catan, drink IPAs, and talk about whether or not Hollywood really needed another female-driven sitcom? Why did she have to clench her jaw and leave the room for fifteen minutes, only to come back with puffy, red eyes? Talk about DRAMATIC, much! Jeez, would it kill her to just lighten up and take a chill pill every once in a while?
7. She isn't a team player
...Or maybe she is! It hasn't ever really been made clear if she is a team player or prefers working alone due to only assuming based on the two personality traits displayed upon a first introduction, but one of those options means that she's bubbly, very fertile, and totally DTF after an Imagine Dragons concert and the other means that she is distant and barren, waiting for the bitter winds of yesteryear to call her into the maelstrom of the winter solstice. Ladies are so complicated!
8. She has a VERY COMPLICATED AND EMOTIONALLY RIFE relationship with her body
Consistently smoothing out her sides when she comes across a mirror, staring at her stomach and wishing it were more toned in order to be deemed "beach worthy", trying every new skincare regimen and then collapsing in exhaustion when she realizes nothing she ever does will please anyone. Can't she just see that she doesn't need all that crap and that she's beautiful just the way she is, and that with some natural-looking and dewy makeup, a floral sundress, perky boobs for her lithe frame, and a beaming smile at all times, she'll be even more beautiful? You just ask for so little!
9. She CANNOT make a decision
Being asked when she wants to have kids without being asked if she wants to in the first place, being asked when she wants to get married and that if she does want to get married and have kids within a timely, age-appropriate manner she has to start now as her biological clock is ticking, being asked if she thinks you're "the one." How typical!
10. She's SO emotional
Quietly crying tears of anguish when her basic reproductive rights are trying to be denied, crying tears of happiness and joy when a woman is elected into any semblance of world power, crying on the couch after a particularly hard day at work trying to please everyone for fear of being seen as "difficult." Just calm down!