1. Ellen you rascal!
*On Ellen*-- Noah (@Noahasf) January 23, 2018
Ellen: so I see u tweet about wanting to die
me: haha yeah sometimes
*Death appears, sneaks up behind me*
me: omg ellen you didn't
2. Phew, that's a relief.
dream interpretation websites are great theyre always like 'dont sweat it that dream of you fucking your dad just means youre hungry'-- Ryan Creamer (@ryguyguyry) January 24, 2018
3. They've got a point.
Buttholes are the original 3D printers.-- Wiseguy Pictures (@WiseguyPictures) September 28, 2015
4. This grandma doesn't have time for GAMES.
My grandma ain't give nobody time to wake up good and brush they teeth this morning pic.twitter.com/28ld3tZPhV-- Dae (@dae_gore) January 23, 2018
5. Damn, busted.
cop: your car smells like weed-- j ø j ø 🍉 (@cloutboyjojo) January 23, 2018
me: whoever smelt it, dealt it
cop: oh shit
me: you're under arrest
6. Not the royalty!
Just saw "Burger King" was trending and my first thought was literally, "Oh no, not him too."-- Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) January 24, 2018
7. We truly should be clapping more.
im not that person who claps when a plane lands.. im clappin the entire plane ride, cheering that we are somehow in the sky, shoutin thats where birds live-- jomny sun (@jonnysun) January 24, 2018
8. Ok, thank you.
i saw this today so now you all have to as well pic.twitter.com/zVOO9hLgpS-- lust-cait of the gutters (@chaeronaea) January 23, 2018
9. You've probably seen the gist of it.
i've never actually seen pulp fiction but i've pieced it together from college dorm room posters-- jaboukie young-white (@jaboukie) January 22, 2018
10. Maybe both?
Is my therapist good or does he just live near a Five Guys: an ongoing investigation-- Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) January 23, 2018
11. You got me. I'm a nutting plonker.
funny how people are like "no i wouldn't eat bugs" but still eat shrimp. shrimp is water bugs you absolute fool. you nutting plonker-- adam (@burgerkrang) January 23, 2018