Dear Whoever Clogged The Toilet,

What the hell, man? All I wanted to do is pee real quick before my meeting, but instead I'm treated to what looks like the aftermath of a very smelly battle. I shouldn't have to see such awful sights. The world is cruel, but this is next level. How could you create such a problem for another person to deal with?


By the way, when I ask "how" I literally mean how. I'm looking at this abomination and I genuinely cannot fathom the situation that brought it into existence. I get it. We've all been there. At some point or another, a burrito has gotten the better of all of us, and I don't fault you for your adversity. That said, it's how he acts in the face of adversity that shows us the true measure of a man and...well, you clearly didn't act very well.

I don't care how bad of a shit you had to take, there's no amount of dirty that your butthole could get that would require that much toilet paper. There's easily three rolls of TP in there right now, and even if your ass is shooting out hot lava, that's too much. What did you think would happen? Did you think you're above the laws of bathroom physics because your not!

For the record, the clog isn't the only problem I have with this whole situation. I'm also curious why there's toilet paper on the seat, and why that toilet paper is wet. Did you try to switch tactics somewhere around roll 2 and think "Hmm, wipings not working. What if I just wad this batch up and piss directly on it." That what it looks like, and based on what I know about your decision making process, I wouldn't be surprised if that's how your mind works.


Perhaps most infuriating is that in the midst of all this clogged of piss and shit is the remnants of a toilet seat cover....ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!? Who do you think you are that you can act like you care about someone else's ass germs and then straight up leave this disaster behind you. That's called hubris and it sickens me.

What really scares me about all this is that I have no idea who you are. You could be anyone in my life. As far as I know, I had a pleasant conversation with you today before you went and committed this atrocity. I feel like I'm in one of those news stories where they interview the neighbors who had absolutely no idea they were living next door to a murderer. The fact that this sort of evil walks along is frankly chilling. It's almost as upsetting to my senses as the horrid smells I'm experiencing right now.


I can't continue much longer, because my anger is slowly turning into depression about the state of humanity as a whole. There's no changing what you did, but I hope, at the very least, you can accept that what you did was wrong and make a vow to never do it in the future. As I look stare deep into this soiled bowl and contemplate the world, I can leave you with only this: NOBODY BUT YOU SHOULD HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS SHIT!

Yours in Christ,