1. Nothing sets people at ease like seeing omens of their death
first date idea: edit the wikipedia page for the zodiac killer so that you're his first two victims.-- The Economy, Stupid (@nachdermas) January 16, 2018
2. UH I MEAN
[first date]-- Floyd is woke (@dafloydsta) January 16, 2018
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I'll eat anything.
3. That's how you know they're the one
Ideal first date: there must be an out-of-tune piano playing in the distance & I don't survive the night.-- Doth (@DothTheDoth) January 12, 2018
4. This dude just loves himself some very specific situations
[lead singer of blink 182 in the car and he just can't wait to pick her up on their very first date]-- 🌻Kiekers🌻 (@Satans_sweetie) January 10, 2018
"Is it cool if I hold your hand?"
5. My answer remains the same
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection-- jomny sun (@jonnysun) June 11, 2016
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
6. This one's gonna knock your socks off
*First date*-- Gina (@ginadivittorio) January 15, 2018
Her: I love surprises
Hawaii Emergency Management Agency button guy(trying to impress her): Oh, uh
7. Luckily for you hobbits (me) and goblins actually get along really well
[first date]-- the voice of a generation (@mrdaddymanphd) January 11, 2018
me: would you say you're more of a "goblin with a hoard of treasure" or a "hobbit living quietly in the shire"
date: what the fuck are you talking about
me: classic goblin
8. Means she's down to experiment
if she wear her lab coat on the first date you know she a freak-- BILL NYE THO (@Bill_Nye_Tho) January 13, 2018
9. Don't act like you weren't gonna piss your pants regardless
[first date]-- your new dad (@drankturpentine) January 8, 2018
Her: I'm a kindergarten teacher
Me, trying to impress her: *pees in pants*
10. IF SO THAT IS GOOD THAT IS WHAT I WANT
[spends a year not dating & learning to be the source of my own validation] I'm great-- Ari Scott (@ariscott) June 8, 2016
[3 seconds into first date] HI HELLO DO YOU LIKE ME
11. Not everyone can be a badass
[First date]-- 🇺🇸Frank Whitehouse 🇺🇸 (@WheelTod) January 8, 2018
Me: "Is something bothering you, babe?"
Her: "It's nothing"
Me: "No, I can tell something's up"
Her: "..It's just when your Tinder profile said 'Serious bad ass' I thought..."
Me: *gingerly leaning forward on my hemorrhoid cushion: "What did you think, sweetie?"
12. Abort abort abort
when you're on the first date and he says "it's nice to finally meet a girl who's not crazy" pic.twitter.com/NE2xND07WT-- no (@tbhjuststop) January 13, 2018
13. I also enjoy...microchips
[first date with robot]-- cory (@coryrichardson_) January 15, 2018
me: [trying to break the ice] i'm also incapable of love
14. I find it is easier for the both of us if I'm straightforward with you
me (on a first date): you're my last chance at happiness-- liVsy. (@liv_thatsme) January 12, 2018
15. Denny's you've never been on a date in your goddamn life
*first date*-- Denny's (@DennysDiner) January 14, 2018
guy: can I get a milkshake with 2 straws?
girl: that's so romantic.
guy, chugging milkshake with makeshift straw tusks: were you thaying thomething?