1. We will all be frying in due time.
We have another hundred years max pic.twitter.com/HNpGUtqcsh-- maple cocaine (@historyinflicks) January 9, 2018
2. This sounds weirdly nice.
I don't want hold music. I want to be conferenced in with the other people who have been on hold for 30 minutes so we can bitch about this.-- Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) November 15, 2016
3. It's true. His season 4, episode 7 grunt is my personal fave.
girls: i can't come out I'm washing my hair-- ben are scum (@UniqueDude2) January 10, 2018
guys: i can't come out im ranking all of tim allen's grunts
4. This cannot be topped.
this is the only example of good graphic design in the past 1,000 years pic.twitter.com/n9wH2abvWo-- Steph Davidson (@stephcd) January 9, 2018
5. "Am I dying?"
yeah I'm total weed head so smoking this joint with U guys isn't a big deal [has 1 hit & then googles "will I be like this forever?" on my phone]-- christian (@nopoweradeinusa) January 10, 2018
6. Wow, didn't think it was possible.
I finally finished a Chapstick without losing it or putting it through the wash. Time to die.-- Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) January 10, 2018
7. I wish. My grandparents just left me Dollar Shave Club.
[ME, TO MY GRANDKIDS]-- Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) January 7, 2018
"One day, this will all be yours..."
*gesturers to piles of Blue Apron packaging*
8. Sick, I've got swag too then.
yea i got SWAG-- childish sadbino (@datassque) January 10, 2018
9. It truly can't just be cliffs right!?
I relate to the part of The Bachelor where he sits on his motorcycle and stares off into some canyons. Like, yeah man, what the fuck's in there! Can't be just cliffs! Love this show, it is so like my life-- audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) January 10, 2018
10. Well that took an unexpected turn.
here's what i have to say to my "haters". pic.twitter.com/UEOy9jJEU0-- bobby sportswear (@bobby) January 10, 2018
11. This is how every dad wants to die.
DAD: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance.-- mo (@chuuew) May 4, 2016
ME: [hesitantly] You're... an ambulance.
DAD: I'm- I'm so proud of you, son [dies]