Embattled Senate candidate Roy Moore of Alabama has spent the last month or so fending off stories and accusations of inappropriate sexual contact with teenage women - stories his campaign has wavered between outright denying and offering half-hearted explanations for. Their excuses have ranged between the women are all liars, that they're being paid to hurt his campaign, or that he usually didn't date teenagers (but may have slipped up a few times).

Now, Moore's representatives (and Moore himself) are claiming a widescale conspiracy theory against his campaign as being responsible for the onslaught of accusations. And in fact, we've been able to acquire an excerpt from the secret conspiracy meeting that led to this. This should clear up any misconceptions you have around the story:

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  1. Washington Post

    Hey everyone, let's bring this meeting to order.

  2. George Soros

    One second, just finishing up something here.

  3. [George Soros personally performs 12 abortions at once]
  4. George Soros

    Okay guys, I'm ready to start.

  5. The Homosexuals

    About time, George!

  6. Transgender People

    Can we hurry this up? We've all got to do SICKO THINGS in bathrooms across the country.

  7. Criminals

    Yeah, we've got some crimes to get to, since we're criminals.

  8. Mitch McConnell

    Okay, so first things first, how do we stop genius patriot and constitutional conservative Judge Roy Moore from his easy path to victory?

  9. The DNC

    A good Christian man with that much integrity and patriotism? There's no way to stop such an American hero.

  10. [George Soros adjusts his "I HATE AMERICA" pin]
  11. George Soros

    He's too scandal-free! There's nothing we can do.

  12. Washington Post

    We could try bringing up the time he was removed from the bench for his violation of the Supreme Court's ruling on marriage equality, or the time he said Muslims shouldn't be allowed in Congress, or blamed mass shootings and 9/11 on people being less religious?

  13. [everyone bows their head]
  14. The Homosexuals

    But he's right about all of that.

  15. [everyone nods their head]
  16. Transgender People

    He's right about all of it. All of those things are normal and correct.

  17. Criminals

    But wait a second - what if we MADE UP some FAKE NEWS about Roy Moore pursuing high school teenagers?

  18. The DNC

    There's definitely nothing wrong with that, FYI. Not that he did it, but if he did, it would be okay. He would have been very respectful in romantically courting those children.

  19. Mitch McConnell

    Agreed, it was a different time. Everyone is too PC these days. You know, in the Bible, Mary was pregnant when she was only 13. Are we saying we're better than the Bible?

  20. [George Soros burns a Bible]
  21. George Soros

    I wasn't paying attention, what we are we talking about?

  22. Washington Post

    This is perfect - we'll make up fake accusers who say Roy Moore creeped on them as young girls and signed their yearbooks and got banned from the mall.

  23. Criminals

    And the lamestream media will believe it! And only because a bunch of credible witnesses and accusers come forth to detail Roy Moore's consistently lecherous behavior.

  24. The DNC

    I love being deceitful and corrupt to derail a God-fearing honest man like Judge Roy Moore and sully his otherwise sterling reputation of bigotry and hatefulness.

  25. Mitch McConnell

    So what's next on the agenda?

  26. George Soros

    I'm getting a little hungry - maybe lunch?

  27. [George Soros eats one of the aborted fetuses]
  28. The Homosexuals

    Hahaha, oh George!