9:00 AM - Wake up and feel an immediate sense of dread and foreboding about all the relatives coming to your house for Thanksgiving. Also, still super hungover from Black Wednesday.
9:15 AM - Actually get out of bed after checking your phone for 10 minutes and justifying in your head why you HAVE to get up for another 5 minutes.
9:30 AM - Sit on the toilet way too long since you're still catching up on Instagram and Facebook.
9:45 AM - Another 15 minutes, staring in awe at everyone you know having already baked perfect looking pies and dishes and turkeys.
10:00 AM - Okay your legs have fallen asleep it's probably time to take a shower and stop freaking out about how much better everyone else is at cooking.
10:15 AM - Get out of the shower, immediately miss the shower and wonder if you could get away with just taking a daylong shower. Maybe you could text your mom and get her to bring you stuffing in the shower? That would be amazing.
10:30 AM - Dried and dressed, head downstairs to the kitchen to help your parents cook.
10:31 AM - Ah, pretty much everything is already done because your parents woke up at 6:30 AM because for some reason that's what parents do on Thanksgiving instead of sleeping in.
10:35 AM - Getting some lowkey passive-aggressive comments from your mom about not being up earlier to help. Get assigned potato peeling for the mashed potatoes, which is something you at least feel like you can handle.
10:36 AM - Immediately nick your finger and start bleeding onto the potatoes.
10:50 AM - Got your finger band-aid-ed up and the potatoes peeled, so now it's time to help tidy up.
10:51 AM - Okay you put your socks in the laundry hamper, the house is OFFICIALLY tidied up.
10:52 AM - Ugh, apparently your dad says the bathroom needs to be cleaned, your room's a mess, and there are a bunch of dishes that need to be done from all the meal prep. THIS IS WHY WE SHOULD JUST USE PAPER PLATES AND PLASTIC FORKS AND KNIVES, DAD.
12:30 PM - Okay, the bathroom is clean enough (wow who woulda guessed behind the toilet could get like that?), your room looks mostly fine as long as no one checks under the bed, and you've done a decent enough job on the dishes that you should be okay.
12:45 PM - Update: you did NOT do a decent enough job on the dishes and then your mom started re-doing them and made you feel guilty and so you said you were going to go on a grocery run for more rolls just to get out of the house for a second.
1:15 PM - Oh crap you forgot to pull out of the driveway because you were checking your phone and seeing EVEN MORE PIES. HOLY CRAP HOW IS EVERYONE ALL OF A SUDDEN THIS GOOD AT PIES? IT'S LIKE THE GREAT BRITISH BAKING SHOW ALL IN MY FEED. HOW DID ALL OF MY FRIENDS TURN INTO MARY BERRY OVERNIGHT?!
1:30 PM - Get a text from your friends who are having a Friendsgiving in the cool city they live in on one of the coasts. The conversation goes something like this:
Them: miss u bud!!
You: haha yeah wish i could be there
You: maybe next year!
Them: hey does your family smoke pot at thanksgiving too
Them: hey does your family play videogames while eating thanksgiving dinner too
You: i fuckin hate you
Them: lmao we have so many pies
1:40 PM - Return home with the rolls only to discover 20 relatives you are vaguely acquainted with suddenly swarming around your house
1:45 PM - Find the one cool cousin who you can actually have a conversation with and OH GODDAMMIT THEY'RE DUCKING OUT EARLY TO GO TO A FRIENDSGIVING. You can't do that because your parents would guilt you over it for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
2:00 PM - 2:45 PM - Make pleasant small talk with various relatives, being sure to not mention religion, politics, the news, sports (sports would lead to NFL which would lead to the kneeling protests which would lead to Trump), entertainment, or anything about your life because you are definitely not opening up to these people. So, basically, the weather and nothing else.
2:45 PM - Dinnertime! 2:45 PM, the normal time to eat dinner on Thanksgiving.
2:50 PM - Sit down at the Kids' Table, because even though you're in your mid-20s, you are somehow still stuck here. Honestly seems preferable to the Adult Table still. Aunt Miranda already looks tipsy.
3:00 PM - Done with round 1. Reminder why Thanksgiving is the best holiday - no gifts, no expectations, just a really solid meal.
3:15 PM - One of your little cousins is staring at their iPad, watching some gaming videos on Youtube. Ask them what games they play, since this might be a chance to connect and have a fun conversation about videogames. "I don't really play videogames," they respond. Sit there confused, realizing you have zero understanding of the younger generation and holy crap YOU ARE GETTING OLD.
3:30 PM - Round 2 over. A little room left over for pie. Let's see what pies the rest of the family brought!
3:35 PM - Pumpkin, Apple, and Cherry. That's IT? THAT'S IT?! And they all look STORE BOUGHT. Not that YOU have a legitimate cause to complain, since you didn't really contribute much to any of this, but after scrolling through an endless number of amazing homemade pies that were doing stuff with pomegranate and lime and cinnamon, this is...underwhelming.
3:40 PM - Okay, store bought apple pie is still pretty dope. Nevermind.
3:45 PM - Help clean-up - and by that I mean "gather everyone's plates and silverware and dump them all in the sink with the hope someone else will actually clean them."
4:00 PM - Half the family moves to the living room to watch football. The other half keep sitting at the dinner table, but now have coffee, and are talking about the cool cousin who left for Friendsgiving and how well their job is going. No one is mentioning how great YOUR job at the call center is going, but that's mostly because you prefer telling people you're unemployed than telling them the truth.
4:05 PM - You've chosen to go to the living room to watch football. Most of the uncles are half-asleep already. Time to nurse a beer for the next hour and check on your texts from Friendsgiving friends bragging about how amazing their pies were and how they're heading to karaoke now and GODDAMN I MESSED UP STAYING HERE.
4:15 PM - 5:30 PM - Things are winding out, folks are filtering out, and you've been forced into multiple awkward conversations with older relatives about when you're going to get married, have kids, get a better job, and deal with some serious negging about "millennials being soooo lazy." Like, I AM lazy, but it's a little unfair to use me to generalize everyone else in the same age bracket.
6:00 PM - Pretty much everyone is gone, so now it's time for mom to subtly hint at you that she wants you to actually do the dishes you piled up in the sink by saying "You need to wash the dishes in the sink."
7:00 PM - Done with the dishes, it's time to text other friends who still live in town to see if they're done with their family Thanksgivings and want to smoke pot or go to karaoke or see a movie or literally anything that would get you out of the house.
7:15 PM - Reponses: 3 "too tired but maybe tomorrow"s, 5 "family's still over"s, 1 "heading out for Black Friday", and 2 "yeah im down for whatever"s.
7:16 PM - 7:45 PM - Spend way too long trying to figure out what "down for whatever" actually entails. Turns out it's seeing Thor: Ragnarok, even though you already saw it.
8:15 PM - Arrive at the movie theatre, but it turns out your friend got the times wrong and the movie started at 8. Doesn't want to go in late, but there IS a screening of Justice League at 8:30 PM. You think it looks kinda crummy but you don't have enough fight in you to argue.
8:25 PM - Get a text from your mom that's just a picture of a dish with a tiny bit of food stuck to it. You know what this means: she's going to re-clean all the dishes and guilt you about this for the rest of the year. Great!
10:35 PM - HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO SUPERMAN'S FACE?! A quick google search reminds you that they had to CGI out a mustache Henry Cavill was contractually forced to keep for another movie. My god. I thought CGI had advanced to the point where it could hide a mustache without turning one of the handsomest men in the world into Buzz Lightyear-face.
11:05 PM - 12:15 AM - Go to Wendy's and eat some nuggets. You have no idea why you always go to some fast food place ON THE DAY OF THE BEST MEAL OF THE YEAR, but for some reason it happens every single year. Your toilet will be in for a surprise later, thanks to the ultimate combo of Wendy's chili and spicy chicken sandwich speeding up your Thanksgiving bowel movement.
12:30 AM - Arrive home.
12:35 AM - Even though you literally just ate, you cannot help yourself from digging into the leftovers. Just a littttttttle stuffing and turkey, that's all.
12:50 AM - Okay crap you just ate half the leftover stuffing. Oh well.
1:00 AM - Notice your mom did a SPECTACULAR job cleaning up after your crummy rush job on the dishes. Everything is sparkling and the house looks IMMACULATE. Shit. Time to feel guilty.
1:15 AM - Your mom comes downstairs after hearing you puttering around and continuously using the microwave as you gradually made your way through the leftover stuffing. You tell her thanks for everything she does and sorry you weren't more of a help. She hugs you and tells you she loves you and that it's no big deal. Gossip a little about which relative was the drunkest. It was Aunt Miranda. It's always Aunt Miranda.
1:45 AM - Mom heads back to bed, and you feel a little bit better about things.
2:00 - 2:15 AM - DECIMATE THE TOILET.