Honest Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter

1. Only talk to me about local sports teams so we can have some neutral conversation topics that doesn't delve into anything substantial that might get awkward or uncomfortable. "Some weather, huh?" is an acceptable alternative as well.

2. Don't try to add me on Facebook. I do not want to feel some weird internet social pressure to when you wish me a happy birthday like 5 months after you and my daughter break up. Do I have to "like" that post? Ugh. Don't put that on me.

3. Don't try to recommend "Rick and Morty" to me. I don't know what that is.

4. If we bump into each other around town - at the supermarket or a restaurant - let's just mutually agree to pretend to not see one another so we don't have to have an awkward conversation in public.

5. When you and my daughter do hand stuff in her bedroom, please turn up the volume of that episode of Parks & Recreation you put on to drown out the noise you're making. You two never make it loud enough. My wife and I can hear you both and no one wants that.

6. Don't call me "Tim." We are not on a first name basis. Besides, my name is Tom (but don't call me that either).

7. When you come over, don't just casually keep taking the ice cream sandwiches. Every now and then I come home and notice we're out of ice cream sandwiches - but no one eats ice cream sandwiches in the house except me, and I know I left one in there yesterday. I know it was you. Leave my ice cream sandwiches alone.

8. Same thing with the Extra Toasty Cheez-Its. For real, I love those things and the grocery store doesn't always have them.

9. My daughter is her own person and I cannot and will not dictate what kind of behavior is and is not acceptable around her. She is a strong person in her own right and she will demand that she is treated with the same respect and kindness she expects from everyone in her life. She will make responsible, thoughtful decisions for herself - she is not my property to protect nor set out "rules" for dating her.

10. That being said, I can hear you doing mouth stuff to my daughter. I think she's exaggerating her reactions for your benefit but it would really being doing us a solid if you two could just crank up the volume on that Parks & Rec episode to the max.