Steps To CORRECTLY Protest Injustice and Bigotry In America

Over the weekend, controversy yet again erupted over the trend of sports players not standing for the National Anthem - a protest tactic that began with NFL player Colin Kaepernick last year, as a means of silent, non-violent protest against the consequence-free killings of black civilians by police. Many have taken offense to this - saying sports should not be a platform for political statements and that not standing for the National Anthem was disrespectful to America - and it has opened up a larger question: how do you CORRECTLY protest such injustices? For the critics of Mr. Kaepernick and others, we decided to carefully explain the proper way to protest in a way that makes everyone happy:



If there's one thing protesting should never be, it's violent. Violence solves nothing - just be quiet and peaceful and try not to rock the boat too much. "The boat", in this case, meaning the status quo that has left you and countless others oppressed and discriminated against by a system designed to keep power and wealth away from minorities.

After all, remember the wise words of Martin Luther King Jr. about the importance of having respectful, ordered protests and patiently wait for change to happen:

"First, I must confess that over the last few years I have been gravely disappointed with the white moderate. I have almost reached the regrettable conclusion that the Negro's great stumbling block in the stride toward freedom is not the White Citizen's Council-er or the Ku Klux Klanner, but the white moderate who is more devoted to "order" than to justice; who prefers a negative peace which is the absence of tension to a positive peace which is the presence of justice; who constantly says "I agree with you in the goal you seek, but I can't agree with your methods of direct action;" who paternalistically feels he can set the timetable for another man's freedom; who lives by the myth of time and who constantly advises the Negro to wait until a "more convenient season."

Shallow understanding from people of goodwill is more frustrating than absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will. Lukewarm acceptance is much more bewildering than outright rejection."

Wait, no - not THOSE words. The ones about, uh, being non-violent and peaceful and all.

2. Also, uh, no wearing shirts that say political stuff if you're in sports.


Okay, sure, they weren't being "violent" but...c'mon. You shouldn't be allowed to wear political shirts when doing sports! Why aren't these players afraid of losing their jobs or making fans angry? Everyone watches sports because they're non-political. What would Martin Luther King Jr. say if he saw this?


Ah. Well. Still, Comic Sans MS was a bad font choice.

3. This isn't violent or political shirts but you have to stand. No kneeling. 


Okay, okay - they're being quiet and not wearing shirts that say political stuff, but they're KNEELING. That's offensive to me, the guy who says everyone else gets offended too easily these days.

I mean, how do you think that makes VETERANS feel, huh?

Okay, not THAT veteran. Other veterans. The ones who are also offended by people not being forced to stand up against their will. After all, Martin Luther King Jr. once-

Uh nevermind. Stop thinking about Martin Luther King Jr.

4. The President should stay out of sports controversies that have become politicized

Yep - no one said it better than good ol' Donald Trump, who chastised then-President Obama for jumping in to the controversy over the Washington Redskins name and the potential bigotry inherent of having a racial slur as your team name. If you want to protest that kind of racial injustice, you shouldn't use your platform AS THE PRESIDENT to tell sports teams what to do, right? RIGHT!


Ah shoot wait nevermind.

5. Just do normal things - like marching and screaming Nazi slogans and wielding torches while one of your members runs over numerous people and kills one, or by taking over a government facility while armed with assault rifles.


See, this is the RESPECTFUL way to protest - by espousing an ideology that calls for mass genocide, while giving the Nazi salute and carrying torches. Also, one of your members violently attacking a group of people and killing one is fine, because - hey - there was violence on BOTH sides, ya know?

Oh, also literally taking over a government building with armed militants for a full month is also acceptable, like the takeover of the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge by Ammon Bundy and his followers. Definitely no one would freak out nonstop if a group of African-Americans wielding guns took over a government building for a month.


See? That's the RIGHT way to protest. Not with violence, or shirts, or kneeling, or anything! Just be white polite about it!