Are we in 1850s San Francisco? Cuz we've just struck gold, baby.
1. Point made.
you: Asian names are hard-- 혼혈 (@noahjussi) September 13, 2017
you: I love the music of Tchaikovsky
you: Schwarzenegger movies are great
you: my fav Targaryen is Daenerys
2. The night of your life or a plain ole phone?
PSA: The new iPhone costs $999.-- Lo (@laurenelizlane) September 13, 2017
The entire Cracker Barrel menu costs $887.71
...make smart choices.
genie: please no-- Tami Cru (@TamiCru) August 29, 2017
millipede: more legs
4. It's ok, we understand. Get well and keep wiping.
my doctor needs me to keep a log of how many times i wiped my ass but i dont have a pen & paper so i have to do it hgere. sorry-- wint (@dril) September 14, 2017
5. That is a very dad move.
My dad washed this paper plate so he can use it again pic.twitter.com/KLXrJO4vBb-- Hot Dog Wiener (@googleymoogley) September 14, 2017
6. WOW THIS IS BIG
OH MY GOD I JUST SAW THE NEW STAR WARS TRAILER pic.twitter.com/spYhNeKF04-- Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) September 13, 2017
7. They know exactly what they're doing.
almost lost my shit at the store today pic.twitter.com/GL6bbxvaTz-- DOOM ON THE GO (@seaenemy) September 12, 2017
8. I love the idea of Mary Poppins Court.
[in mary poppins court]-- GlennyRodge (@GlennyRodge) September 13, 2017
clerk:call the witness for the prosecution
*spoonful of sugar walks in*
medicine: oh, shit
9. DAMNIT, Neil. Not now.
WAITRESS: How do you like your eggs-- Michael, still here (@Home_Halfway) May 9, 2017
ME: Sunny side up
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *spins around* Actually the sun doesn't go up or down, earth rota
10. This would be very useful. Get rid of those $$$$$ restaurants that we will never be going to in our lifetimes.
Someone should make a food app that connects to your bank account and only lists restaurants you can afford, could call it Welp-- shut up, mike ginn (@shutupmikeginn) April 12, 2015
me: wow juliet was dumb I would never kill myself over a boy-- Ziwe (@ziwe) September 14, 2017
also, me: he hasn't responded to my text in 45 seconds, should I eat glass
12. RIP your grans.
Seen a boy in Asda with a bunch of flowers and a woman said "aw whos the lucky girl" and he legit turned roond and was like "ma grans deed"-- Emma Forrest (@emmaahelyerr) September 13, 2017