1. We don't get a month
African-Americans get Black History Month, LGBTQ people get Pride Month - but what do straight white men get? No months at all! Oh, unless all those months are specially designated that way because the implication is that every month otherwise is assumed to support the status quo that elevates straight white men...hm, actually that might be it. Okay, scratch this, nevermind.
Ah, shit, Black History Month is February - that's the shortest month! Pretty sure this is the first time black people got a raw deal in America.
2. We don't get a parade
So LGBTQ people get OH wait probably the same deal as the month thing, right? And actually the St. Patrick's Day Parade is pretty white and straight and male. Eh besides, I wouldn't wanna march in a parade, that sounds exhausting. Scratch this one too.
3. We're not allowed to celebrate our heritage
So African-Americans are told to celebrate "black pride," but when anyone says "white pride" suddenly they're racist or something? What if I just want to take pride in the rich history of...wait, hold on, maybe I better read a history book first.
Oh. OH. Oh GOD NO. Okay I'm gonna level with you, all the slavery and colonialism and genocide and oppression of minorities sounds pretty bad. Maybe...maybe it's okay we don't celebrate white pride.
4. We're becoming a minority
Pretty soon, straight white men will be part of a minority group. Can you imagine what it feels like to be in a minority? It must be awful - to suffer at the whims and prejudices of an ignorant majority that lacks all sense of empathy? No one deserves OH SHIT THAT'S WHAT WE'VE BEEN DOING THE WHOLE TIME SHIT SHIT SHIT
Oh god. Oh god what have we done???
5. We only hold MOST positions of power, instead of literally all of them like we used to
I'm gonna be honest - I wrote out these points before really diving into any of them and now that I'm reading them aloud, I kinda see the error of my ways. We've had it extremely easy on the whole and largely ignored our privilege, and now that tiny bits of that privilege are starting to be chipped away by increasingly vocal oppressed subsections of the population, lots of straight white men who had grown so accustomed to the status quo are feeling as though the ground is crumbling beneath them. It's really not, but it would be what we deserve - as our privilege more often than not came at the expense of other groups, who were denied the same advantages and avenues that we took for granted.
6. People get mad at me when I said the n-word when I do a Kanye songs at karaoke
Okay I'm just gonna see myself out. Sorry about this, folks.