45. Donald Trump is still obsessed with getting gossip-y on Twitter
Okay, regardless of your political leanings, I think we can all agree that Donald Trump is a colorful character with a long and sometimes bizarre history - but as President, one of the weirder things he's been associated with is the fact that his Twitter habits have basically not changed at all. That's to say, even though he's the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, he spends a good chunk of his time getting gossip-y against random celebrities and private citizens over Twitter, from railing on Arnold Schwarzenegger over ratings:
Wow, the ratings are in and Arnold Schwarzenegger got "swamped" (or destroyed) by comparison to the ratings machine, DJT. So much for....-- Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 6, 2017
being a movie star-and that was season 1 compared to season 14. Now compare him to my season 1. But who cares, he supported Kasich & Hillary-- Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 6, 2017
...to his recent attack on Morning Joe co-host Mika Brzezinski:
I heard poorly rated @Morning_Joe speaks badly of me (don't watch anymore). Then how come low I.Q. Crazy Mika, along with Psycho Joe, came..-- Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) June 29, 2017
...to Mar-a-Lago 3 nights in a row around New Year's Eve, and insisted on joining me. She was bleeding badly from a face-lift. I said no!-- Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) June 29, 2017
...to which Mika snarkily responded with a not-so-subtle dig at the old joke about Trump's hands:
...which led to President Trump replying:
Watched low rated @Morning_Joe for first time in long time. FAKE NEWS. He called me to stop a National Enquirer article. I said no! Bad show-- Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) June 30, 2017
In other words, Trump is basically squabbling VERY PUBLICLY with a lot of people like an overly-dramatic teenager. And even though his lawyers have supposedly been begging him to chill out with the tweeting, nothing can deter Trump from getting bitchy on social media.
44. Barack Obama campaigned in a videogame (and in a console exclusive-style)
The Obama 2008 campaign is the stuff of legend - the iconic "Hope" imagery, the inspiring stump speeches, etc. But there was another, reeeal sucky aspect of Obama's first presidential campaign - in-game ads in Burnout Paradise exclusively on the Xbox 360. Why Burnout Paradise? Why the Xbox 360 only? Honestly, this might be one of the least effective political ads IN HISTORY - and that's really saying something.
43. George W. Bush gave everyone ridiculous nicknames
This is a combination of "pretty awesome" and "probably pretty sucky, but only because he's the president and this seems pretty childish" - George W. Bush liked to give nicknames to those he interacted with on a regular basis, and the list is pretty ridiculous. It includes:
- Bama, Rock - Barack Obama
- Boner - John Boehner
- Big Boy - Chris Christie
- Hogan - John McCain
- Pootie-Poot, Ostrich Legs - Vladimir Putin
On the one hand, it completely rules that he called Vladimir Putin "Pootie-Poot", but on the other hand, maybe it's best not to tease other heads of state with childish nicknames.
42. Bill Clinton knows more about My Little Pony than he probably should
Again, you probably know a good deal of Bill Clinton's achievements and misdeeds - what you may NOT know is that Bill Clinton was able to answer 3 out of 3 questions correctly about My Little Pony during an interview with NPR. Honestly, that seems more impeachable than lying about oral sex.
41. George H.W. Bush tried to do battle with The Simpsons
President Bush (Prime) made a few missteps in his presidency - the whole "read my lips" thing, the Clarence Thomas scandal, and (most devastatingly) taking a stand against The Simpsons.
Now, granted, The Simpsons weren't the cultural force they are today back in the very early 90s. They were definitely a massive presence though (and legitimately the greatest thing ever), so Bush criticizing the state of the American family by saying the average family needed to be "more like the Waltons and less like the Simpsons" was pretty dumb.
For one, The Simpsons are a comedic cartoon family, not really intended for anyone to mimic. But also, how DARE you try to start a cultural war with one of the greatest TV shows ever, Mr. President.
40. Ronald Reagan thought marijuana was the same as nuclear bombs
The so-called War on Drugs began in earnest under Ronald Reagan - which led to a lot of dumb misconceptions about drug use and the effects they had. And wouldn't you know it, but ol' Ronnie Reagan said one of the dumbest things maybe ANY president has ever said about drugs:
"I now have absolute proof that smoking even one marijuana cigarette is equal in brain damage to being on Bikini Island during an H-bomb blast."
Yup. One joint = THE BLAST OF A HYDROGEN BOMB. Thanks Ronald.
39. Jimmy Carter lied to us about UFOs
Jimmy Carter promised to be a different kind of a president - which was important for a nation that was still recovering from the shock and trauma of Watergate. He promised to be a more open and transparent leader - hell, he even promised to release everything the goverment had on UFOs!
And then he DIDN'T. He welshed on the deal. He betrayed us all - just over some "national security" concerns.
Et tu, Jimmy?
38. Gerald Ford was less elected than any president ever
Gerald Ford, through really no fault of his own, holds the unfortunate distinction of being the only president to serve as both Vice President AND President without being elected to either position. He took over the office of VP after Nixon's VP at the time, Spiro Agnew, resigned, and took over the presidency once Nixon resigned.
Luckily, he likes nachos and football, so he's okay in our book.
37. Richard Nixon was a paranoid celebrity-hater
Richard Nixon was a complicated dude - smart as a whip, unbelievably talented as a politician, but also an incredibly bitter, petty human. He kept a regularly updated "Enemies List", where he could track every grievance he suffered, and went so far as to include celebrities on it (such as Jane Fonda and Paul Newman). He even tried to get John Lennon deported because he opposed the Vietnam War.
Luckily, he made up for that by turning into one of the best characters on Futurama. ARRRRRROOOO!!
36. Lyndon Johnson was pretty gross, overall
LBJ was well-known for a lot of things - chief among them the frank way he carried himself. Sometimes that meant he talked about his mondo dong to whoever would listen, sometimes it meant he would hold meetings while he was on the toilet, and sometimes it meant he would use the word "bunghole" when talking about pants.
None of this really sucks - honestly, it's pretty great and hilarious. But I imagine it would suck a lot if you were a person working in the White House and had to hold a meeting with the President while he took a stinky poop.
35. John F. Kennedy was spoiled as hell
John F. Kennedy had his fair share of presidential victories and defeats - victories included his work on civil rights and in the Cold War, defeats included the Bay of Pigs and being horribly murdered in a way that led to decades of conspiracy theories. But the suckiest thing about JFK was how gosh-darned spoiled he was, thanks to living a life of ridiculous luxury as part of the Kennedy clan. Like, he literally wasn't aware that the Great Depression was a thing - that's how spoiled he was. He later said that he didn't really learn about the Depression until he read about it while studying at Harvard.
34. Dwight Eisenhower loved a gross-sounding dessert
Dwight D. Eisenhower is hiding a terrible, terrible secret as well - his favorite dessert was prune whip. Seriously, his favorite dessert started with "prune." What the hell?
33. Harry S Truman had a middle name that meant NOTHING
There's a lot of great things to say about Harry S Truman - when he left the office of the Presidency, he refused to join any corporate board or endorse any products, as he felt getting monetary gain exploiting his position as a former president would diminish the dignity of the office. This was despite the fact that he had virtually no savings AND former presidents did not receive pensions back then (although that did pass shortly after Truman left office).
But here's something messed up - the "S" in Harry S Truman HAD NO MEANING. It was a compromise middle name, in order to honor both of his grandfathers (Anderson Shipp Truman and Solomon Young) and not offend either by saying the "S" stood for either of their names.
32. Franklin Delano Roosevelt married his friggin' cousin
FDR is a controversial president in American history - one who fundamentally altered the way the country and government worked. Some love him, some hate him - but everyone can agree...he totally married his own cousin.
Yep, this is pretty well-known, but Eleanor Roosevelt was FDR's fifth cousin, once removed. She was closely related enough that her maiden name and married name were the same. Creepy!
31. Herbert Hoover didn't really "get" the whole "Depression thing"
Well, the suckiest thing about Herbert Hoover is (obviously) that his administration oversaw the beginnings of the Great Depression, and his policies did little to fix the problem (whether or not ANY policies could have fixed a global depression of that magnitude, however, is debatable). Still, he managed to say one of the dumbest, suckiest things a president in his position could say in 1931:
"What the country needs is a good big laugh. ... If someone could get off a good joke every ten days, I think our troubles would be over."
Pretty tone-deaf! People are dying in the streets, starving to death, losing their homes, and giving up all hope - "laughs" aren't gonna feed anyone, dude.
30. Calvin Coolidge was a manchild
Calvin Coolidge was kinda an odd dude - beyond any of his political stances and policies, he tended to act like a big man-baby in private. He apparently would call for his bodyguards and then hide from them under his desk, to trick them into thinking he'd been kidnapped (or something). Coolidge was also notorious for wanting to take lots of afternoon naps during his presidency and would often leave important events early so he could go to bed. He was basically a 10-year old in the body of a president.
29. Warren G. Harding gave his dick the lamest nickname
Warren G. Harding named his penis "Jerry." Like, if you're gonna name your penis something, get a little more creative than that (like a certain president would several decades later). It's tough to imagine a lamer name for your dong than Jerry.
28. Woodrow Wilson was a KKK fanboy
Woodrow Wilson hosted a screening of Birth of a Nation at the freakin' White House - and if you're not familiar, Birth of a Nation is pretty notorious for portraying the Klu Klux Klan as the heroic saviors of the country in the post-Civil War era. Sure, it was also a pretty revolutionary film in terms of filmmaking techniques, but it was also a huge pile of racist lies.
27. William Howard Taft made baseball even more boring
William Howard Taft made baseball go EVEN SLOWER by popularizing the 7th inning stretch. Supposedly Taft (who was a rather large fellow, you might have heard) was sore from sitting for so long (SINCE BASEBALL GAMES TAKE FOREVER) and used the break at the 7th inning to get up and stretch a bit. Since it was the President doing this, many other fans joined in and took a moment to stretch themselves. And now baseball games last juuuust a little bit longer. Thanks Taft.
26. Theodore Roosevelt was TOO BADASS FOR THIS WORLD
Ah, the original Ron Swanson, Teddy Roosevelt! Overall, he's got a lot of great achievements to his name and an insane amount of badass tales attributed to him, and...you know what? I cannot, in good faith, list anything sucky about Teddy Roosevelt. I know, it's a cop-out, but COME ON. LOOK AT THE SHIT THIS GUY DID:
- When he became the Commissioner of the NYPD, he was aware that NYC cops had - until this point - been a deeply corrupt (and often lazy) force, and he sought to remedy that immediately. He went so far as to walk the beats of various officers late at night or early in the morning to make sure they were not shirking their duties or engaging in corrupt activities."
- While campaigning for re-election in 1912, Roosevelt was shot in the chest at a campaign stop by an assassin - but didn't see himself coughing up any blood, so decided that the bullet probably hadn't gone through his lungs. He proceeded to deliver a 90 minute speech, which began with Teddy saying "Friends, I shall ask you to be as quiet as possible. I don't know whether you fully understand that I have just been shot; but it takes more than that to kill a Bull Moose."
- He's the only president to battle a cougar armed with nothing but a knife.
25. William McKinley was pretty lazy (pretty refreshing compared to that last guy, huh?)
It'd be hard to not look real good, since McKinley is followed up Grover "An Actual Monster" Cleveland, but William McKinley seems like a pretty okay dude overall. Not a lot of crummy facts about him out there - except, maybe, that he was a pretty lazy dude. His entire presidential campaign was mostly just him sitting on his front porch, occasionally speaking to delegations who came to him. Meanwhile, his opponent - William Jennings Bryan - was going on a massive whistle-stop tour across the entire country, and STILL ended up losing.
24. Grover Cleveland was a creepy pervert
Okay, after a few Not-That-Sucky presidents, we get back to a REEEEAL sucky human being: Grover Cleveland.
Why does he suck so bad, you ask? Well, he was married to a young lady by the name of Frances Folsom, who was 21 years old at the time she married Grover Cleveland (then aged 49). But it's not just the creepy 28 year age gap that makes this so sucky - it's the fact that Grover Cleveland KNEW FRANCES WHEN SHE WAS LITERALLY A BABY. He was a family friend, and actually bought her a baby carriage and apparently doted on her in her baby days.
So, basically, he was her INCREDIBLY CREEPY UNCLE. He helped raise her, and then married her. Ugh.
23. Benjamin Harrison was afraid of electricity
Ol' Benny Harrison had the luck of being the first president to have electricity in the White House. However, he and his wife were too scared of being electrocuted, so both refused to ever even TOUCH the light switches installed, and usually ended up going to bed with the lights left on.
Awwww, poor widdle Benjamin Harrison, the scawed widdle babyyyy.
22.Grover Cleveland (again) was a CREEPY PERVERT MONSTER
Ugh, get outta here, Grover! You already basically married your niece, what other sucky things can we find about you?
Oh, how about THE WORST SEX SCANDAL IN PRESIDENTIAL HISTORY? (well, he wasn't president at the time, but still)
Thought Clinton lying about a blowjob was bad, well take a seat, because Grover Cleveland's shit-bag antics obliterates that.
Cleveland was taking a NYC sales clerk, Maria Halpin, out on a date - and when dropping her off at her downtown boarding house, forced himself in and proceeded to rape her and THEN threatened to ruin her if she ever told anyone. BUT THAT'S NOT ALL!
The rape left Maria pregnant with Cleveland's child - a boy - who she gave birth to months later at a hospital for unwed mothers. They named the child "Oscar Folsom Cleveland" ("Folsom" after Cleveland's close friend, WHOSE DAUGHTER HE WOULD EVENTUALLY MARRY).
And it keeps going! Cleveland took the child from Maria and put him in a place cheerfully titled the "Buffalo Orphan Asylum," and arranged for Maria to be placed in the Providence Lunatic Asylum. Yep, he threw his bastard child away in an orphanage and committed (against her will) the woman he raped! She was eventually released once it was determined she wasn't insane, but that didn't stop ol' Grover from continuing to be a complete piece of shit.
Of course, the revelation that he had an illegitimate son got out to the press, so Cleveland decided to run a smear campaign against Halpin, painting her as a "loose" woman who slept around with married men all the time and was an alcoholic.
So, to summarize, Grover Cleveland sucks a whole bunch.
21. Chester Alan Arthur was basically that Kevin Smith movie where Justin Long becomes a walrus
Chester Alan Arthur's another one of those presidents who isn't too denigrated - maybe history has just chosen to forget a lot of his missteps in favor of his achievement. Regardless, he's probably best known today as the answer to one of Simon's riddles in Die Hard With a Vengeance, which is a pretty great reason for notoriety.
But we're talking about why he sucks, so how about this? He was nicknamed 'Walrus,' because he was pretty portly and had a big messy mustache.
20. James Garfield was pretty solid overall but died in a pretty embarrassing way
James Garfield is...well, pretty beloved. And NOT just because he shares his name with America's favorite lasagna-eating, Monday-hating cat! There's just not a lot of information out there about crummy, dumb things he did in his life (if I'm wrong about this or missing something, please correct me in the comments - or leave a reference to the cat Garfield, which are also appreciated).
So, in lieu of something that genuinely sucks about James Garfield's actions, let's talk about his death: it was a pretty sucky death. You may know Garfield was struck down by an assassin's bullet - what you may NOT realize is that the shot was by no means fatal. Hell, he hung on for about a month afterwards, and really only died because his surgeons weren't too into the whole "sterilization" thing and kept mucking around his wounds without washing their hands, and also because...hm. Well. There's not really an easy way to say this.
As in, they literally tried feeding him rectally for some reason for an extended period of time, shoving beef bouillon, eggs, milk, whiskey, and more straight up his presidential bunghole.
Doctors today said that - were he shot in modern times - he would probably have been completely fine, leaving the hospital after a day or two. Instead, he got horribly infected and had his anus terrorized by a bunch of quacks.
19. Rutherford B. Hayes was a straight-edge buzzkill
Rutherford (which is the old-timey-est name for basically any person ever) was kinda a prude - and even went so far as to ban booze in the White House DECADES before Prohibition. Like, it's fine if you wanna be a Straight-Edge president, Mr. Hayes, but don't make literally everyone who works in the White House abstain from alcohol (especially in the late 19th century, when a lot of them were probably still having Civil War flashbacks and could use a drink or two).
18. Ulysses S. Grant's middle initial is full of lies
As if Ulysses Grant didn't already have enough "S"s in his name to begin with, he went and ADDED an S. That's right - the middle initial "S" in "Ulysses S. Grant" was added later in his life by the man himself and doesn't even STAND for anything. It's just an additional "S"! His actual name was Hiram Ulysses Grant, but he wanted to mess around with it to be a jerk. At least Harry S Truman got HIS fake "S" from his parents.
17. Andrew Johnson was an inverse-exterminator
Andrew Johnson replaced Abraham Lincoln as President, so he was pretty much destined to pale in comparison and look pretty sucky. But beyond that, he just generally did kinda suck - for example, he kept mice as "pets." I put the word pets in quotation marks because the WAY he kept them as pets was to leave flour on the floor all the time. Basically, he just kept feeding vermin so they would hang out in his walls all the time? Dude, you're the president, just get a dog or something.
16. Abraham Lincoln made his last day on Earth chock full of irony
Abraham Lincoln was the first president to be assassinated in US history (unless you're counting William Henry Harrison assassinating himself with that dumb long speech) - but, as fate would have it, he literally has signed a piece of legislation that created the Secret Service THE SAME DAY HE WAS ASSASSINATED.
Pretty huge coincidence, right? Well, only sorta - since the Secret Service at that time was primarily charged with thwarting currency counterfeiters. C'mon Lincoln - if you had just given them THE RIGHT JOB, you mighta lived! What a dope!
15. James Buchanan made his niece into his sorta-wife
James Buchanan was never married - our first (and only) true bachelor president. However, that's not a sucky thing - the sucky part is that he had his niece serve as his First Lady (since someone needed to, apparently?), which is just kinda weird.
14. Franklin Pierce ran over an old lady and got arrested WHILE PRESIDENT
Ol' Frankie Pierce (not an actual nickname) holds a unique distinction - he's one of the few presidents to ever be arrested while holding office. He was drunk (or, as a newspaper put it, "not as sober at the time as he might have been") while riding a horse and ran over an old lady, soon after which he was arrested by a local constable. Naturally, he was released soon after, once everyone realized that they just arrested the president and it was the 1850s and running over old ladies while drunkenly horse-riding was perfectly legal back then.
13. Millard Fillmore had a shitty haircut
Actual presidency stuff aside, Millard Fillmore probably had the worst haircut of any president. And that's saying something.
12. Zachary Taylor let some other guy be president for a day because of the Bible
Zachary Taylor refused to be sworn in on a Sunday (Sunday being the Lord's day 'n all), so some other dude was technically president for a day: David Rice Atchison (who claims he spent most of that Sunday sleeping).
11. James K. Polk was pretty great but also pooped himself to death
The shittiest thing you can say about James K. Polk is actually a pretty good thing - he did everything he set out to do in a single term and decided against running for another term, despite a high likelihood he would have won. That's pretty good! But despite this (or because of it), he's really not remembered at all today. Hell, he's actually known as "The Least Known Consequential President."
But if we wanna get a little more specific about weird dumb things about him, his final days were marked by "debilitating diarrhea" as a result of contracting cholera. Basically, he shit himself to death.
10. John Tyler was America's Judas (or, like, another Benedict Arnold)
John Tyler isn't a wholly notable president, except that years after he left the presidency he supported the Confederacy during the Civil War. Which is a dick move - like hooking up with your best friend's ex or something. And for hooking up (metaphorically) with Jefferson Davis, John Tyler became the ONLY former US President to not receive any mourning in Washington DC upon his death.
9. William Henry Harrison died because he talked too long in the rain
If you've ever read anything about William Henry Harrison, you probably know this one - he had the shortest presidency (by far) due to dying of pneumonia not long after taking office. What you may not know is WHY - ya see, not only did he have the shortest presidency, but he had the LONGEST inaugural address ever given (by far). And he did it in the pouring rain, which led to the pneumonia/dying stuff. So - if his speech had just been the normal length (or shorter, since it was POURING RAIN OUTSIDE), he might have lived a little longer.
8. Martin van Buren dissed his wife bigtime in his autobiography
Martin van Buren was the first president to write an autobiography covering their own presidency - and yet he never once in 800 pages mentioned his wife, Hannah, whom he was married to for 12 years (who, to be fair, had died pretty early in their lives, long before he actually reached the presidency). Still, that's a pretty cold move.
7. Andrew Jackson made the White House stink like cheese for years
Andrew Jackson was a huge asshole, and did a whole like of genuinely horrible things (look up the Trail of Tears, for one). However, most of the more trivial asshole-ish things he did in his personal life are genuinely pretty badass or hilarious (like teaching his pet parrot to swear, constantly dueling with people, and beating an attempted assassin with his cane), but one kinda shitty thing he DID do was let the entire White House smell like stinky cheese.
A dairy farmer and fan of Jackson thought it would be a nice gesture to send the president a 1400 lbs. wheel of cheese - and so he did! And Jackson, like any person, didn't really know what to do with that much cheese. So he let it sit there for YEARS (with tiny bits taken off every now and then) until near the end of his 2nd term, where he decided the cheese finally had to go. He held an open forum in the White House, and told people to eat as much cheese as they could. And while the cheese was done away with in a few hours, the smell of years old cheese lingered in the White House long after.
6. John Quincy Adams was a "hollow Earth" truther
JQA (as he's known) was the son of previously sucky president, John Adams (aka "His Rotundity"), and a real big idiot when it came to understanding what the Earth was. He legitimately believed (to some degree) that the Earth was hollow, and even approved an expedition of it. "It" being the INSIDE OF THE EARTH.
5. James Monroe chased around grown men who worked for him with tongs
Arguing over patronage appointments, James Monroe (who was 67 at the time) literally grabbed two red-hot tongs from a fireplace and brandished them at his Treasury Secretary, William Crawford, and chased him out of the White House. Which is, honestly, kind of awesome, but also pretty stupid and childish for a President.
4. James Madison was a little weenie pipsqueak
Why does James Madison suck? Uh, dude was our tiniest president - he was around 5'4" and didn't even weigh 100 lbs. No wonder he's on the dime (actually he's not, FDR is - but you second-guessed yourself for a second, didn't you?).
3. Thomas Jefferson's bed is just THE WORST
This was the bed Thomas Jefferson slept in. No, seriously. He positioned it like this ON PURPOSE.
And it's not like he didn't have space or anything - he had A TON of space in his estate of Monticello. He just wanted the bed to be squished into the tightest space possible, because....well, I honestly don't know. He liked having his bed in the worst possible spot, I guess?
2. John Adams tried to give himself a fancy nickname and got rightly mocked
John Adams wasn't a fan of England's monarchy (in the whole "unlimited power" sense), but was certainly a fan of the titles - which is why he tried to change the presidential title to "His Highness." However, this opened him up to mockery from every angle, and helped contribute towards many dubbing him "His Rotundity" (he was fat AND a self-involved jackass).
John Adams, pretty lame as an HBO series, and even lamer as a presidential title namer.
1. George Washington died by being a huge idiot
You know how George Washington died? He got a real bad cold (like, reeeal bad) and then after he got sick, he demanded that he engage in some bloodletting. As in, they dumped out about half the blood in his body. Combine that with his actual sickness (which the removal of blood didn't help), and you end up with one dead president.
George Washington, pretty good at founding nations, but too stupid to realize that dumping out all of your blood is a bad idea.