Beauty and the Beast is my favorite Disney movie of all time. But in the spirit of jokey internet nitpicking, here's 10 questions about the film that still puzzle me to this very day:
1. Why did the enchantress turn a bunch of innocent children into teacups?
Enchantress: "Until you learn the meaning of true love, I curse you with the appearance of THE BEAST YOU ARE!"
Enchantress: "Also, I turned that dude into a clock."
Beast: "Huh? That's a little weird, but ok."
Enchantress: "Also, these dozens of random children are now teacups, and might stay that way forever because you were kind of a dick to me once."
Beast: "Uhhh, that's...very evil and not really a lesson?"
2. Belle keeps musically insulting her hometown right in front of everyone
The opening song "Belle" is one of the catchiest melodies in Disney's rich history, but at the same time, this scene-setting tune also involves our heroine TOTALLY SHITTING on her boring hometown RIGHT IN EVERYONE'S FACES.
Belle, we can all respect your desire to escape your 'provincial life,' but surely there are more ideal places to melodically declare this desire other than RIGHT IN THE CENTER OF THE PROVINCIAL TOWN YOU'RE INSULTING?
3. The Beast only has until age TWENTY-ONE to find TRUE LOVE?
The curse lasts until the Beast's "Twenty-First Year" then becomes permanent? Not counting love for your family (or your teen-bedroom Jonathan Taylor Thomas poster), who in the world finds true love BEFORE age 21??? Your weird high school friends who start dating each other sophomore year then go to the same college and get married and live in your hometown and keep posting pictures of their baby and dog hanging out in their giant backyard and the pics are all overwhelmingly cute but screw them because you have none of those things and also their baby's name is stupid anyway???
If that's the other option, I think I'd just pick "beast" and live an actually-fun life.
4. Why does Chip have a giant gash in his head?
What in God's name happened to poor Chip to result in A PIECE OF HIS SKULL missing? And when he turns back into a human kid, shouldn't he have a giant gaping headwound? Why is this never addressed?
The human version of Chip does have a tooth missing, but so does the teacup version, so I'm not totally buying that his 'missing tooth' somehow translates to 'triangular chunk of skull missing' in his enchanted equivalent.
Also, there's a hundred teacups without chips in them -- why do they keep insisting on serving tea out of Chip? #REALTALK #NOTREALLY
5. NO ONE would let a strange old haggard woman sleep in their home, regardless of her appearance
Getting back to the enchantress who started this whole deal -- she's upset because the Prince initially refused to let her stay in his castle, even though she pleaded with him and offered him a rose. Honestly, though, if a strange old woman came to YOUR home or apartment and asked to stay the night, would you EVER let her in, regardless of her appearance or the type of flower she offered?
Yes, this particular Prince did happen to have an obsession with peoples' physical appearances, but surely he might've had other reasons not to let some random stranger just waltz right into his ultrafancy castle and snag a bed, right? And she WAS a witch, so his caution wasn't even totally misguided.
That'd be like me going up to the White House and saying, "Please give me shelter from the cold! In exchange, I humbly offer you this single 'Mets 2014 Season Schedule' refrigerator magnet. NO?? THERE IS NO LOVE IN YOUR HEART AND YOU MUST LEARN A LESSON!"
6. What is the Beast the 'Prince' of and why does no one in the town know anything about him or his mysterious castle?
They mention that the Beast was originally a 'Prince', but Prince of what? France? This region of France? If he was the ruler of this area, why does no one seem to know or care that their Prince suddenly disappeared one night, or have any knowledge of him or his GIANT ENCHANTED CASTLE located a mere half-day's horseride away from the town (albeit in a ruthlessly wolf-infested forest)?
"Hey didn't we used to have a Prince governing us? Whatever happened to that dude? Ah well, guess Gaston's our mayor now since he's literally double the height of every other human in this city."
7. WHAT IS GASTON'S ENDGAME WITH BELLE???
I get why Gaston insists on assaulting wooing Belle for most of the film: He's a giant brash buffoon who wants to romantically-conquest the prettiest girl in town and won't let his pride be dissuaded by her obvious disinterest.
But that said, after he's rejected millions of times by Belle, he tries to blackmail her into marrying him by using her father, which is insane for two reasons (on top of also just being an insane thing to do):
1) If he cons Belle into marrying him, it makes his reputation look a BILLION times worse than if he just gets rejected by her, and
2) WHAT DOES HE THINK THEIR MARRIAGE IS GOING TO BE LIKE? Is Belle so much prettier than the three swooning girls in multicolored dresses that Gaston wants to spend the rest of his life with her as his prisoner, hating him even more than she did before he blackmailed her into marrying him?
What I'm saying is, if anyone can point me to some "Gaston and Belle: Married Couple" alt-universe fanfiction online, I would be fascinated to know what their relationship's like.
8. Everyone is incredibly apathetic about Gaston's horribly gruesome death
Granted, Gaston is a giant A-Hole who basically assaults Belle twice in the film's first act then turns psychopathically murderous one one-billionth of a second after learning of the Beast's existence, but even then, no one seems the slightest bit concerned when the town's most popular and beloved resident plummets to his grisly, untimely death (even though he does pull the classic Disney "we gave him another chance to live and he still tried to be evil" move).
Besides, under MOST circumstances, a willingness to protect a town from a mythical 10-foot-tall monster (who had been a jerk until like twenty minutes ago) would be a courageous trait. Plus literally everyone else in the town also instantly wanted to kill the beast. Do they all deserve to be tossed off gothic castle towers? Ehh, probably. Especially tiny pig-looking dude. But that's an argument for another day.
9. The Beast looks infinitely cooler as a beast than he does as a human
I still vividly remember seeing this film in the theaters (Thanksgiving Day 1991, y'all!) and loving every single thing about it EXCEPT for the crushing disappointment when the cool-ass beast finally transforms into this goofy-looking Pseudo-Fabio dude at the end and it's supposed to be an improvement. Couldn't he at least have kept the horns or like, the cool Beast agility powers?
I mean, I guess Sebastian Bach was still a sex symbol in the early 90s, but surely Belle had to be a little let down by the hair-metal frontman who emerged from those transformative magical swooshes?
10. WHY DID THE ENCHANTRESS CURSE THE FRIGGIN' DOG??
It's ALREADY A DOG! Why CURSE it by turning it into a DOGLIKE FOOTSTOOL?? WHAT LESSON IS THIS TEACHING THE BEAST OR ANYONE????
Seriously, they really need to make (another) sequel to this film where someone teaches the Enchantress a lesson in how to teach magical lessons. STEP ONE: Curse the dude who needs to learn the thing, not HIS DOG AND A BUNCH OF CHILDREN.
Anyone wanna start scripting this? Hit me up.
Other parts of this (amazing) film that still bother you? Leave them in the Comments!
(GIFs by Chris Han)