Answer: Fingernails are designed to help you grab stuff!
Fingernails are kinda like the pubes of the hands: They're seemingly useless, you only really notice them when they're not trimmed properly, and they can be quite scratchy at times. Have you ever stopped to wonder what the fuck these things are good for?
The obvious answer seems to be that fingernails are just the remnants of our ancestor's claws, but actually that's not the case...well, not totally anyway. Though they share a lot in common, fingernails are more than just vestigial claws. They're more like claws that have been modified for our own personal needs. Mammals who have fingernails (mostly primates) are also the most likely to grip things. Whereas mammals with claws tend to dig around in the dirt and shit, like a bunch of morons, those of us with fingernails take the more sophisticated approach to life by climbing trees and using tools.
As badass as a couple of Sandslash claws would make me look to one of my enemies, it would make holding onto a broom a whole hell of a lot more difficult. Fingernails, however, not only facilitate in holding things, but also serve as tiny little shields for the tips of your fingers, which would be otherwise weathered by overuse. Without fingernails, the ends of our hands would probably look like a pencil that's been sharpened one too many times. Think about that next time you get nervous and chew on them!
Answer: Eyebrows protect your eyes and help with communication.
If I hadn't already used it in the last section, I'd be saying that eyebrows are the pubes of the face right now, because honestly that makes more sense. (Pro tip: If you're ever wondering if someone's carpet matches the drapes, eyebrow color will tell you everything you need to know.) Of all your body parts, eyebrows seem to be the most useless. Honestly, you only seem to notice that they exist when they're not there.
See: Whoopi Goldberg.
In reality, eyebrows are the unsung heroes of the face, serving a couple functions that you never knew about. The first is a physical function. Eyebrows are kinda like a built in rain gutters for your face, designed to keep moisture from dripping into your eyes. If it weren't for you eyebrows, you'd get WAY more sweat in your eyes everytime you ran and WAY more water in your eyes everytime it rained. Pretty cool for such a dumb body part, huh?
Cooler still is eyebrows other function: They aid us in communication. Take a look at these two beautiful drawings:
Can you believe I drew them myself?
Do you know which one is the angry one? Of course you do, and literally the only thing I changed is the eyebrows. A lot of human emotion is expressed through the face, and eyebrows make it easier to read what those emotions are. Think about how much easier it is to make out a raised eyebrow than it would be to rely solely on the subtle changes of someone's skin wrinkles. You don't realize it but you say a lot with your eyebrows everyday! All of this just goes to show how amazing Whoopi Goldberg's acting is, because even without her brows, nobody does emotion like Whoopi.
Answer: You blush because of adreneline.
Unlike the last two things we talked about, blushing is in no way like pubes. Instead, it's an unfortunate bodily response that makes everyone around you know that you're embarassed. It's one of the weirder things our body does, when you think about it. Why do we need a way to signal that we're embarrassed and why does that way involve our skin changing color?
Well it turns out that blushing is you a sign that your freaking the freak out about something on a very primal level. Basically, blushing occurs when someone's fight or flight response is triggered. When this happens, adrenaline is released into the bloodstream and affects the veins in your face, causing it to turn red. For a more indepth explanation, you can watch this video because it explains it way better than I ever could.
Basically, you're reacting to accidentally farting in front of your crush in the same way that your ancestors reacted to an encounter with a sabertooth tiger.
Answer: You breathe it out.
If you're like me, you probably always thought that you gain and lose weight depending on how much you poop. If you're not an idiot, though, you probably know that's not the case. When talking about losing weight we often say that we "burn" it off, but that can't be literal right? As far as I can tell, the only fire that's ever been in my belly is the one driving my dreams of becoming a professional dancer.
I think I'm gonna be a star!
As it turns out, even though we don't combust, we are actually burning fat off when we lose weight. As most of you probably already know, fat is primarily stored energy. When you consume more calories than you need, your body converts them into stored fat for later use. When you eventually need these calories, your body converts them into energy and the stored fat is burned off. (If you're curious, there are about 3,500 calories in a pound of fat, so if you give yourself a deficiency of about 500 calories a day, you'll burn about a pound a week. Disappointing, right?)
You probably already know most of this stuff, but there's still one piece of the equation missing. The energy you burn is not that heavy, so just burning energy wouldn't really result in all that much weight loss. You're losing other stuff too, but what is it and where does it go? Well the answer involves a very boring chemistry equation that, frankly, I don't know how to write using our site's word processor. The gist of it is that the fat combines with oxygen and produces energy, water and carbon dioxide. Strangely enough, the majority of this mass is comprised of the carbon dioxide meaning that you actually breath most of the weight out. The small amount of mass comprised of water is expelled from the body through pee, sweat, and, yes, even poop.
Answer: The wrinkles help them maintain temperature.
When I die and go to heaven, the first thing I do is gonna be to ask God why he made balls so weird looking. I imagine He might cast me out into hell, but it's a risk I'm willing to take. I think that if we were to sit everyone in the world down and force them to agree on one thing, it would be that nutsacks are dumb. All they're dangly, and wrinkly, and kind of make your taint look like it's melting? Surely, there's a better way to store your baby juice, right?
Well, no, actually. Like most of our body parts, there's a lot really complex stuff going on in the design of the scrote. Testicles are like your most annoying friend on a roadtrip: their temperature needs to be regulated constantly. Your balls need to be cool and that's why they loiter on the outside instead of sweltering internally.
Your prissy little nuts' sensitivity to heat doesn't end there. If you've ever sat and watched a scrotum for a long time, as I have on many a rainy day, you'll notice that they're constantly moving up and down. This too is to help regulate the heat of the testes, and this movement is possible due to Dartos, a layer of connective beneath the skin. Though it sounds like the name of some majestic Greek God, the Dartos is actually responsible for giving balls their trademark wrinkled appearance. The balls are an ugly reminder that no matter how ugly it gets, the human body is fascinatingly complex.