1. (*barfs forever*)
2. Wherever you stand on the issue of the Affordable Care Act, we can ALL agree it's better than Obamacare, right?
3. DON'T. REVIEW. THE. POLICE. ON. FACEBOOK.
4. How DARE you say that the Middle East won't be a war-ravaged shithole for the rest of time!
5. Life isn't easy for people with bad eyesight and unquenchable horniness.
woman next to me on subway reading an erotic novel in 128 pt font pic.twitter.com/uMGpsay0xj-- amateurdentist (@amateurdentist) January 6, 2017
6. Hmm, if only he had worn an accessory that could help block out the sunlight...
7. 318 million divided by 318 million equals 1 million, right? FYI I failed literally every math class and still eat Play-Doh regularly.
8. Well, 3 is less than 4, so 1/3 has gotta be less than 1/4, right? I'm the same math guy as before, FYI.
9. Man, I wish I had hot dog fingers too. Probably for different reasons though.
10. Bob Marley is a time-travelling music plagiarist...I knew it.
11. So....not a fan of Queen, huh?