1. They have MULTIPLE paid streaming services
There's nothing sexier than someone showing off their huge, throbbing excess of streaming services. We're talkin' Netflix, Hulu Plus, Amazon Video, HBO Go, Showtime, FX Now, uhhh Crackle, and then services you never heard of but are cool with having at your disposal. Like, I'll probably never watch Crunchyroll, but we all know that old maxim about people with big feet and/or streaming options.
2. They have a GREAT dog
Ohhhh baby, sometimes I just wanna do it doggy-style....that's right, I wanna pet a doggy. Have you ever dated someone with a GREAT dog? It's the best. We're talking a big-ish dog (not too big, but like a golden lab or something) who gets super pumped every time you visit, loves getting pet, loves to go on walks to the park, and always wants to play. You get all the benefits of being around a cool dog, while your partner is the one who has to worry about getting its shots and what it's chewing on and what it's currently barfing up.
3. Never finishes their meal and lets you eat the leftovers
Sometimes you just gotta go downtown and eat out....of a bowl, which contains some delicious Indian food. It's important for you both to like the same foods - can you imagine a world where your partner never wanted to go out for Indian food?! - but it's equally important for them to always have slightly less of an appetite than you. That way, when they still have a little chicken vindaloo left, they'll be all like "Oh man, I'm stuffed, you want the rest?" and you can propose to them right then and there. And then eat their remaining chicken vindaloo because HELL YEAH I WANT THE REST.
4. Relatives all live SUPER far away
Ohhh baby, who's your daddy? By that, I mean "What's your father's name?", so I can look him up on WhitePages.com and confirm that he and the rest of your family lives super far away, so I'm not stuck regularly attending awkward family events and hanging out with your parents all the time. Because really, do you want to be under the scrutiny of your date's parents on a regular basis? No way. Ideally, there would be an online dating site SPECIFICALLY for orphans.
5. They're, like, really good at pirating shit and have figured out computers enough to not be worried about getting caught
You want to know that someone's a little naughty - especially when it comes to pirating content. They just HAVE every TV show, movie, videogame, etc. ever on their computer, and can pull it up in an instant. Like, me? I'd probably do that if I had any idea what I was doing, but I'd be too concerned the FBI would arrest me and stick me in Guantanamo Bay or, worse, shut off my internet temporarily. Plus, ME not doing it lets me feel like I have some kind of moral superiority, while still taking all the advantages of my partner's criminal content ways. It's always great finding out your partner is into light S&M (Stealing and Movie-Downloading).
6. No roommates
Ohhhh baby, you wanna know how to spice up things in the bedroom? By eating Indian food in there (typically very spicy). You know how NOT to spice things up in the bedroom? By having a roommate who can hear everything that's happening in the bedroom. That's right - roommates are basically the opposite of Indian food.
This is pretty key - no roommates to hog the TV or awkwardly be hanging around when you two wanna make out, no roommates to have to keep quiet around when you two wanna bone on their (equally-comfy to the couch) bed, and no roommates to make a mess in the bathroom. When you go to their place, it's a paradise of petting a great dog, sitting on the best couch, and binging on TV shows, both legal and not.
7. They have an AMAZING bed
Time to go into the bedroom, hop in the bed, and enjoy some hot, sweaty...sleeptime. Then you kick off the covers a little, because UGH that's a little too hot. Still - having an awesome bed is about as sexy as it gets. We're talking king-size, WAY more pillows than necessary, some mix of feathers involved, and maybe even a sleep number that you can adjust yourself. Think of all the sleeping in because the covers are so comfy, all the checking your cell phone for just like FIVE MINUTES before bed, and all the thinking "Where do you even GET this many pillows?" If it's good enough, it'll be just like crippling depression: you'll never wanna get out of bed.
8. Good personality/attractive/kind to others/genuinely nice person/kinky in the bedroom/whatever
Yeah yeah that's all fine whatever let's stream Curb Your Enthusiasm for 3 hours, order Indian food, and fall asleep on your awesome bed with your great dog on our laps while being 2,000 miles away from your parents.