We all know dying is pretty radical, but did you ever consider the totally BADASS things that happen when you die? Stuff so badass that it can only happen to you once you can no longer feel pain or breathe. The only problem is you're not alive to enjoy it.
But it's not that big of a problem, since you've got a lotta badass things going on now that you're dead.
1. Your whole body gets a boner
When you die, your body goes through a process called rigor mortis, where your entire body stiffens due to chemical changes in your muscles after bodily functions have ceased. A completely stiff body? Sounds more like a FULL-BODY ERECTION. That's right, when you die - male or female - you get the ultimate boner.
2. You get to shit your pants (and DON'T have to clean it up)
The world kinda sucks, and dying is your way of exiting this crummy existence. But just leaving is for wimps - you wanna flip the bird at the world as you careen straight into Death City USA, and that's where shitting your pants when you die comes into play. Yep, bowels have been known to evacuate themselves when you die. So basically, as your last act on Earth, you leave a huge mess for someone ELSE to clean up. Shit has never been so unshitty.
3. You get an awesome makeover - FOR FREE!
Being dead has a lot of perks, but one of the best things is the process of embalming. Basically, it's a post-mortem makeover, involving expensive-sounding techniques for adding new fluids into your blood vessels, shaving and grooming you, and perfectly fitting you for your last outfit. But the best part of all is that you DON'T EVEN HAVE TO PAY FOR IT! Because you're dead!
4. Everyone comes to a party in your honor and has to say how awesome you were
That sweet free makeover wasn't for nothing - because when you die, your loved ones throw a HUGE party JUST FOR YOU where they spend the whole time talking about what an awesome, cool person you were (some even CRY about how great you were).
5. You get buried in a box
Ever think about how weird coffins are? Real weird, right? Like, why would you need to be kept in a box when you're buried? You're dead! You're not going anywhere and you don't need to be protected from anything. Unless...you're not being protected, you're being CONTAINED. That's right - coffins are hella badass, because the implication is that you need to be kept trapped in case your corpse is ever reanimated and compelled to devour the flesh of the living.
Pretty fuckin' sweet!
6. You're now immune from anyone seeking vengeance
Oh man, wanna talk badass? Dying is the ultimate strategy in the game of vengeance, because anyone who wanted to seek revenge against you no longer can! I mean, what're they gonna do, shoot your body? Joke's on you, idiot, I can't feel pain or be killed anymore! Your failed vengeance will consume you til the end of your days, while I get to chill out in this graveyard, being dead.
7. You never have to pay off any of your debts
Speaking of how great and badass it is to be dead (objectively true), anyone you owed money to is now permanently screwed. It's like declaring bankruptcy, but from living - you can take out a billion loans from banks, your friends, loan sharks, whoever; spend all of it livin' an awesome life; and then die before you have to pay anyone back! Talk about rock 'n roll.
Plus, anyone who tries to get their money back will look like a total asshole. Ooohhhh big man here, tryin' to shake down a dead guy for money. What a dick.
8. Worms eat your body
Eventually, the wood coffin you got buried in will wear away and all sorts of bugs in the soil will eat your corpse, but mostly worms (worms love corpses). Um, being eaten from the inside out by worms and NEVER FLINCHING THE ENTIRE TIME? Doesn't get more badass than that.
9. You get to turn into a skeleton
Perhaps the coolest part about being buried in a box (badass) and getting your rotting corpse eaten by bugs (double badass) is what comes after - you turn into a goddamn skeleton. Yep, a spooky as hell skeleton, just chillin in a raggedy suit or dress, being scary as hell in the darkness deep in the earth. You're so freaky and badass that you don't even care about showing off how much of a skeleton you are. And in a couple hundred years, some idiot kid's gonna be digging in the dirt and BAM! They're gonna uncover your spooky skeleton skull and it's gonna scare the shit out of them. That kid might even be your great-great-great-great-great-grandchild, and they won't even realize that's just their grandparent bein' a badass.
10. Your entire body gets burned and you get put into a vase
There's an alternate route to all that badass stuff we just went over - instead of being buried in the ground (which is pretttttty badass), you get your whole body burned into ashes (ULTIMATE BADASS). Yep, you're like "whatever, body" and get cooked so hard that you're just a pile of dust. And then your loved ones put you in a vase and on a mantle in the living room, where you serve as a grim reminder of everyone's mortality forever and ever.