7. Big Bertha



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Big Bertha can become superhumanly strong and durable by becoming massively and morbidly obese...Sounds useful... 

8. Doorman



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Doorman has the ability to open portals to anywhere... as long as that "anywhere" happens to be the room next door. Ideal if you're bursting for a piss and the toilet is a whole room away. Not ideal for much else.

9. Hairball



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Hairball is a superhero cat....That is all.

10. Whizzer



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Imagine if a man was injected with mongoose blood and developed superhuman speed as a result. Now stop imagining because in Marvel comics THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

11. Boudicca



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Boudicca is a reverse-engineered, very knowledgable, heroic little Tamagotchi. Yeah, don't think so.

12. Bird-Brain



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What. The. F**k?