5. Billy. Effing. Zane


He's got that crazy look in his eyes for the entire movie and slaps Rose, then realizes his fiance hates him (it took you until now to realize this?) and gets Jack locked up at the bottom of the boat, then steals a gun and chases said finance new lov-ah in a dining room flood. This crazy mothereffer.

4. Rose LETS JACK GO  


All they say, for a good minute, is how they'll never let each other go. And then...PLOP! BYE JACK! Never mind that there is definitely space for two on that floating door. I mean, you're not even trying at the end. And you just said you'd never let go. Y'ALL WERE JUST IN THE BOAT'S BANG BUS AND YOU PRACTICALLY PUSH HIM DOWN INTO THE ICY SEA. My heart will never go on after that.

3. This Movie Never Ends 

I read somewhere the original cut was 36 hours. The final cut is 194 minutes. In other words, it just feels like 36 hours. The only parts we have to keep are hitting the iceberg, and when that dude hits the propeller of the boat, because people falling is always funny.


2. Old Rose Throws away Money and Dies. Doesn't She Have a Daughter?

She just chucked like, billions of dollars into the ocean. That money could've been donated to Titanic survivors and their families. Or it could've paid for like, two people to go to a state college. Or it probably would've fixed the national debt. Seriously, she's just rubbing it in the face of all those dead Poors. Once RAF, always RAF, you selfish bitch.

1. This Movie Was Made Solely for Girls Ages 11-16.

Everything about the movie's story screams like an entry from an old diary of a tortured sophomore. My parents won't let me do what I want! I just met you like a few seconds ago and now I love you! I'm gonna have sex in a car! Well, the ship sinks, you let go of him, and he dies. Take note, young ladies. It's better to stay rich and arrange an elaborate murder to get rid of anyone you don't like than run off with a Poor.


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