You worrying about your dating life has nothing to do with the fact that human beings' love lives have always felt uncertain and stressful due to the vulnerability and risk inherent to romance. No, it's because everything and everyone except for you is awful.


The data is in and the experts have spoken extensively about it on the Today show: your parents did a shit job. They were worse than any other past generation of parents. Including those that thought corporal punishment and manual labor were essential to a good upbringing.

Your parents destroyed any chance you had for happiness because they told you you were special and followed you on twitter and still pay for your cell phone.


Sure, you could pick up a new hobby. Because you have to make yourself happy. You're the person you have to live with the rest of your life. Unless you decide to end it all before the inevitable decline of mankind. Maybe try rock climbing!


You always end up with narcissists or assholes or worse, android owners. How are you supposed to communicate without emojis? And everyone you meet has so much baggage. And not interesting baggage like you have about how your parents gave you an iPhone 6 instead of a 6 Plus for Christmas. No, stuff like the excruciating demise of their parents' marriage. Boring.

Maybe you could resolve this if you had a choice in who you spend your time with, but unfortunately you do not.


Just think about it. Why are they on a dating site? Because nobody wants to date them.

You don't want to go on a date with someone who is single! GROSS.


Remember that one person you went on that one date with who did that thing you didn't like? Everyone is like that now and it's why things never work out and it's an epidemic. You like that word, "epidemic?" Yeah, it's fun. Feel free to throw that one around. You took that one sociology class in college so you totally know what you're talking about. Use phrases like"millenial apathy" and "addictive clickbait borderline personality disorder." Just make sure you never stop talking about this or how will you know if you're even alive anymore?

Which brings you to the final reason:



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