Looking to spice things up in the ol' bedroom but don't want to get TOO naked or say any swear words worse than the occasional harmless-context "shit"? Take a page from some of our favorite edgy-but-not-TOO-edgy FX and AMC Shows with these super sexxy BASIC CABLE INSPIRED SEX MOVES:
1. The "Leave Dat Bra On"
1. Start making out furiously.
2. Have the girl somehow remove her pants and underpants really fast offscreen and get under the covers up to her waist.
3. Proceed to have sex while her bra is on the entire time (and/or her entire shirt).
- Ladies, leaving your bra on the whole time will reduce boobal floparound, while also lengthening your partner's sex-time because he won't be inordinately turned on by your bare breasts. Also this position is cool and normal.
2. The "Smash-Cut to Awkward Morning"
1. Exchange light, flirty insults with someone until you get a really nice "will they or won't they" stew goin'.
2. Suddenly it's the morning, and you're both in your underwear and have had sex (and gotten slightly dressed again).
3. Stare upwards in unison with a look of mild surprise.
4. Say an awesome quip like "Well. THAT happened."
- This position gives you the THRILLING GUILT of suddenly realizing you had sex, minus the troublesome "in and out" labor of actual intercourse.
3. The "Way Too Quick n' Hard Tablebang"
1. Have the man throw the woman onto a table to signify the start of some passionate-ass bangin'.
2. The man unzips his pants and the lady pushes them down slightly with her feet. They're still mostly on though, and his boxers are on (but probably have a front flap on them, y'know, for his dick to go through).
3. Both partners shake the table while thrusting SUPER hard and moaning. Like, angrily, jarringly hard. But keep yelling in ecstasy so it must be pleasant & working.
4. Both of you orgasm after like seven seconds. The man just ejaculated into her through his boxers without a condom, but like, it's fine.
- An effective & economical option for that 'on the go' couple that only has eleven seconds to orgasm while breaking shit. Also, banging on top of a thing equals passion. Forbidden passion, probably. Regular couples in shows are like, "nah the bed's fine, no need to do it on a thing." But things are where it's*** at!! ;-)
*** Jizzing through a zipperhole
4. The "Savvy Cheater"
1. While alone in a sexually-thick situation, tell your partner "We can't keep doing this." And MEAN it.
2. Screw it! Start frantically kissing.
3. During the steamy makeout, the lady does one or more of the following:
- Rubs her perfume all the hell over him
- Kisses his dress shirt collar with her lipstick
- Slips her kinky red lace panties under the bed (if it's his place) or into his pocket somehow (if it's hers)
4. Get walked in on in the most compromising position possible (example: lady is on her back with her legs spread nearly 180 degree in literal hospital stirrups)
5. Chase the person who walked in down the hall with your pants around your ankles.
6. Repeat with every other character.
- NICE. Super sexy and a super easy plot twist you can coast off for a few more episodes. Is there anything sexier than contrivance??? No there is NOT.
5. The "FX Guy Butt"
1. The guy pulls his pants down and his butt is visible!!!! (OMG BUTT)
2a. If his partner is a girl, just like, kinda hike her skirt a bit and have sex through it because girl butts are still too salacious (and sex through skirts is easy and good)
2b. If his partner is a guy, that guy also pulls his pants down and his butt is visible!!!! (OMG TWO BUTTS! TWICE THE BUTT!)
3. How can we get both butts in there? Have both people stand side by side, like, both walking to the bathroom or whatever. The important thing is butts.
4. The censors will be like, "I dunno, whatever, this is fine now. Just don't show a nipple or say the F-word. Exploding 9000000000 zombie brains is fine."
- NOW we're talking! Nothing says "major fuuuckin'" quite like a butt being involved and visible, as it sometimes is during intercourse. WARNING: Only for SUPER edgy turner-onners. Might be too HOTT for sexmateures (sexing amateurs).
Illustrations by Angelica Bamuno.
SOME MORE REEEEAL GOOOOD SEX ADVICE: