Hey, babies, check this shit out:
That's a damn giraffe being born. And these long-necked newborns don't have the luxuries of hospitals and doctors - they just fall the hell out and onto the ground. And minutes later, they're up and walking around, like the precocial bastards they are. Because that's how A TON of animals in the world operate - if their babies were born and were as helpless as human babies, they'd all die.
Meanwhile, what can you do, babies? Oh, that's right - you can't walk for, like, YEARS. And at the moment of birth, you're just this screaming, bloody, helpless lump. Wow, babies, you suck bigtime.
You know what happens if people just scream a bunch all the time? They get told to SHUT THE HELL UP, because that's NOT the right way to communicate in society because it doesn't help anyone, especially the person screaming. But you babies? You think screaming and crying is the way to get whatever you want.
Guess what? Screaming isn't helpful. A baby screaming can mean literally ANYTHING because that's their go-to method of saying everything. Maybe they're hungry? Maybe they shit themselves? Maybe they're in pain? Maybe they're just like "OH HEY IT'S 3 AM AKA SCREAMTIME THE TIME TO SCREAM"? No one knows because babies are stupid as hell and not worth researching.
Babies, you are fucking disgusting.
To be fair, this is partly on us for ENABLING you to be so shitty. LITERALLY SHITTY. Because you fuckers just shit yourself all the time, and we built special underpants for you (aka diapers) that was designed to hold in as much shit and piss as possible. We basically encouraged you to just dump whenever and wherever you were, but still - you're the ones doing it. Don't you feel gross, like, all the time?
Use the damn toilet, babies. Christ.
Whoa, have you ever SEEN a baby? They're pretty much the epitome of what we as a society would define as "ugly as shit." They're mostly bald, weirdly fat ALL over (like, not a pleasant kind of fat - the kind of fat where the arm looks like a tube of cookie dough that's tied in the middle), and they have ZERO teeth (disgusting).
Yet everyone thinks their babies are adorable and cute and just the prettiest things ever. Sorry folks, but your babies are uggo, big-time. If your baby was an adult, everyone would be like "whoa, check out that lumpy bald toothless creep-o. Let's cross the street so we don't have to look at him in his stupid, barely-open eyes."
Here's a list of things babies like - note that they are all bad and terrible:
- Shiny Things (thumbs down)
- Jingly Things (no thanks)
- Bright Things (psh)
Here's a list of things babies like to do:
- Shove whatever in their gross toothless mouths
- Lay around like a helpless blob
- Scream for no reason
- Puke (probably the least disgusting thing about babies, honestly)
Wow, babies, I thought you were awful BEFORE I found out you lack object permanence - imagine what I think of you NOW (hint: still not a fan). Babies can't understand that things continue to exist, even when they're not immediately in your line of sight - that's why peekaboo is a thing for shitty babies (aka all babies): when you cover your face with your hands, they think your face has left existence (smdh).
Jesus Christ, babies, you are some stupid ass garbage.
Normal good adult humans have 206 bones in their body - but babies (aka awful mini-humans) went and overcomplicated this shit by having a "skeletal mix" of over 300 bones and bits of cartilage all mixed together. Eventually these things come together to form the normal, solid skeleton we all have, but in the meantime, babies got some weak, rubbery skeletons.
Hell, their skull isn't even a working skull - it's three fragments that haven't fused together yet, which results in babies having damn "soft spots" on their head where their tiny brains are basically exposed to the world. Luckily, baby brains are tiny and can't understand how peekaboo works so whatever.
Summary so far: babies are weak awful dumbos.
For some reason, parents are expected to wait hand and foot on babies 24/7 - feeding them, cleaning them, and serving them nonstop. But here's the rub - no matter how much you do for a baby and how completely you dedicate yourself to them, they couldn't give the slightest shit.
- They're hungry, so you try to feed them - they barf up the food all over themselves and you.
- You clean up the barf - they start screaming because they WANT MORE FOOD OR SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW.
- You clean their diaper, put a fresh one on them - they immediately shit and piss in the new one, then start screaming because HEY THEY DECIDED NOT TO HOLD IT SO IT'S SOMEHOW MY PROBLEM NOW.
Probably the worst thing about babies (not that there are any good things about them) are that they inevitably grow into even LARGER, more physically-able, more garbage babies - adults. Adults? Get out of here with that. But it's gonna happen. That's what ALL babies do - they become giant huge babies that are just way more destructive. They let 16 year old babies DRIVE CARS. How fucked is that?
And sometimes these enormo-babies MAKE NEW BABIES OF THEIR OWN. It's like damn nanobots or some shit, except way worse because they're making babies (e.g. garbage nanobots). It's an endless vicious cycle of babies (boo) making a continuous stream of new babies and there's no end in sight.
Babies - who needs 'em!
Don't forget to share this link with everyone who shares their stupid awful baby photos on Facebook. They need to know their babies (which they think are good) are actually bad (the truth).