Yo TV execs, looking for some cool new characters? I just thought of a bunch of kickass new ones that are a little different than the same crap you guys keep recycling. (Hit me up on Venmo if you wanna send me some buck$ for these):
Imagine this: It's this church guy, and he's doing like church stuff, and you're sitting there thinking, "Oh, real churchy guy, probably just some boring priest who's devoted to God and goes around blessing people and shit, this is gonna be really boring."
Nuh uh. Not THIS Priest. Cause this Priest? He's into...SEX. And maybe he DRINKS and DOES CORRUPT STUFF.
"What? A BAD PRIEST?? Can they even SHOW THIS???" Hell yeah they can. And they will. Welcome to Shocktowne, Population: ALL THE VIEWERS OF THIS GUY.
Imagine a job world usually run by men in suits. Like lawyers or whatever. Dude lawyers. The bad kind. So then in walks this lady, and everyone's like "hey there little lady, try not to break a nail on the big case." And she's like "Try not to break your tiny peen on the big everything." And the guy's like "Why you little...." and mutters and walks away.
That's right, she can hang with the big boys. In many ways, she's more of a man than they are. Just don't cross her. And oh yeah -- she won the case.
VERY IMPORTANT NOTE: The actress playing this lady will still be super thin/attractive/model-looking like everyone else in things (don't want to get like, crazy empowering here).
Picture this: Some dude strolls in, insults everyone, belittles his superiors, patronizes his friends, and just totally sucks in every way. So he probably sucks at his job too, right? WRONG.
Here's the thing: He's actually the BEST at his job. Secret super-genius. And that's why everyone puts up with all the malarkey. But man, reconciling his brilliance with his personality is not gonna be easy for this team of underlings who hook up with each other sometimes.
Oh, and doing things by the book? Forget about it! This guy grabbed the book and tossed it in the trash then downloaded the Audiobook version of the book then dragged that shit into the trashcan then Empty Trash'd. Then he left a bunch of two-star reviews on the book on Goodreads that were tough but fair.
This guy thinks he's hot shit... and he IS. He's really attractive, he's super sex-crazed, and he's kind of a misogynist, but in a harmless like, funny way, y'know? Any time his friends tell him one of their relationship problems, he's always like "just bang her and broom her, the ol' B&B" and even though that's poor advice his friend knows that's just this guy bein' this guy.
Here's where this character gets really unique though: Deep down, this guy secretly WANTS to be in a relationship, and at one point, he falls head over heels in love with a lady -- a smart BOOK-READING barista, no less -- and he does NOT know how to handle himself. They go to the park and she buys him cotton candy and he tries to fuck the cotton candy. BZZZT - RED FLAG!
But there's an underlying sweetness to him that's totally been there the whole show, and definitely did not just suddenly appear now.
This guy's similar to #3 but WAY worse. Like, he cheats all the time and even KILLS people. By now people have to be thinking, "Ok, so I've been wrong a few times on this list, but I am pretty confident that I can correctly judge Character #4: This person is a straight-up no-good BAD GUY. No THANK you, this guy. We are NOT buying what you are selling. Murder? Are you kidding me?? Two thumbs way down."
Ahh but once again, dear reader, you have misjudged, because this character also kisses his kids to bed at night. Then he hugs his wife -- after he JUST CHEATED mind you -- and is like, "I don't know what I'd do without you." Pretty god damn tender, huh? Now you don't know WHAT to think! Like, you were so sure he only had Two Dimensions (Bad and WORSE) then BAM! Third Dimension: Basic compassion.
Let's follow this guy's adventures for seasons to come.
Is this premium cable? We can show her tits? Awesome.
Also what if she has no lines then gets murdered? By Guy #5? And we're somehow supposed to sympathize with Guy #5 and his dilemma about how to properly dismember her body and sink it in a quarry?
Perfect. This really might change the world of tv as we know it.
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