Refer to yourself as a vintage '91. Insist it was a good year.
When someone gets you a 12 year as a gift, chuckle knowingly and politely tell them you're only drinking 18 year this month.
Drink until you can't think critically about your relationships, your job, or why you're sobbing.
Arbitrarily choose a favorite scotch based on name only. Start with Bunnahabhain.
Let yourself text Rachael, because you're feeling good right now and nothing can bring you down.
Commit to the Scottish lifestyle--pair your Glenmorangie Distiller's Reserve with a big steaming pile of sheep guts.
Forget that it's Saturday night and you're browsing your friends' mobile uploads. Pretend it's Tuesday morning, and you're in a snowy cabin working on your debut novel.
It's not like you wanted to do karaoke anyway.
When asked the difference between an Islay single malt and a Lowland single malt, respond, "Oh, about 80 dollars a bottle." Chortle accordingly.
When you take a sip, grimace as though you just swallowed battery acid. Otherwise how will people know you're a big man?
Who's a big man?
Invite your closest friends over for a fun tasting event. Then, eat a carefully curated cheese plate by yourself.
Did you know the Druids drank a version of scotch? Howl at the moon. Feel yourself grow strong as the Old Magic imbues you with a terrible power.
Remember, you're "doing you."
Does anyone want to hang out?