1. Notice a nimbostratus cloud forming in the atmosphere.

2. Use your imagination to anticipate the worst possible outcome.

3. Multiply that outcome by 100, then report it to everyone in the hemisphere as fact.

4. When other media outlets issue the same warning, suddenly make yours even MORE alarming so people will revert their attention back to you. You know, like a competition.

5. Block off a third of your television broadcast to devote entirely to the storm for at least 48 hours before it happens. Include a map, a title, and a streaming list of specific places within the map that will supposedly be affected by the devastation*. Also, every once in a while, just shut down TV entirely to talk about the storm.

*But not really

6. As the storm approaches, continue to remind people how dangerous it is and how important it is to be prepared. Tell them their life depends on it, in not so many words, then issue a stern warning that NO ONE should be outside when the storm hits under any circumstances, otherwise that person's death is practically assured.

7. Tell a reporter to go stand outside when the storm hits.

8. Specifically remind viewers that their power may go out for days, and that businesses will probably be closed, and that statistically it's pretty much inevitable that a small portion of them will perish in the storm's wake.

9. Having said that, remind them not to panic*.


10. Whatever you do, don't go to the grocery for at LEAST the next four days. That place is obviously going to be a complete mad house.

11. After the "storm" hits, don't even acknowledge the fact you completely exaggerated its impact, and don't worry about whether or not your credibility has been damaged as a result either. It's not like people are going to just not listen to your forecasts anymore. I mean, what option do they have? Farmer's Almanac? Lick their finger and put it in the air? They got NOTHING! So fuck 'em!

12. When the ratings come in, hive five the rest of your news crew then stand in a big circle together going, "MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA*!"

*OFF-camera (very important)

Illustrated by Amir Khan, the hero this country needs.