Hark! Sit now and hear the tale of great hope for all mankind. Have faith, listener, for sacred parchments tell a twentysomething who, through the divination of his Macbook Air, was able to stream content from Netflix, Amazon Prime, Hulu Plus and HBO Go--all without spending a single dollar. Be there no doubt it was miraculous, for such a fortuitous occasion required the alignment of a great number of cosmic forces and passwords.
Just as our most wizened scholars predicted, the Chosen One was the first and only child born to parents of no great consequence or status, other than that they possessed a subscription to the Home Box Office. And thus, the Great Millennial's path was laid out before him, for his parents had no need of the online access of HBO Go. Nay, they did but watch through their cable box in the rumpus room.
But one service a miracle does not make.
On the occasion that his twenty-second year did give way to his twenty-third, it came to pass that the Chosen One acquired a gift certificate for Netflix from his living forefather, Uncle Tim. His quest for streaming video completeness continued as his college roommate, Kenny, shared with the Great One his Hulu Plus password, that he might partake not just in classic and cult favorite shows, but content updated mere hours after its original network broadcast. No one is quite sure how the Favored One found his way into the inner sanctum of Amazon Prime. Legend says the password belonged to a friend of a friend of a cousin's ex-husband, but all records of its lineage have been lost to the sands of time.
But a hero, a savior, is not born of circumstance and good fortune, but through the choices he makes to better the world around him. For the Chosen One did not merely gorge, as the hippopotamus, on his bounty alone, but showed great generosity as had been shown to him.
Lo, hear now the Parable of the Girlfriend's Sister, who--though rich in spirit--was poor in video streaming access. Like a pauper she had no choice but to watch clips on YouTube and venture into the precarious desert of Ukrainian torrenting sites. But yea did the Prophet share his Netflix password with the Girlfriend's Sister, even going so far as to create her a profile that her terrible preferences and unconscionable ratings would not tarnish the purity of his own queue. And where once the Girlfriend's Sister thirsted for episodes of Scandal, yea did she find relief thanks to His bounty of content.
Yet tragedy struck our hero, for at the ripe old age of 26 the Chosen One felt the ache of want for the first time in his life, as the supply of good shows yet to be consumed was exhausted. His "watch it again" section overflowed with quality scripted television and movies of which He had already partaken, and he found only diminishing returns in revisiting them.
The Chosen One, this god amongst mortals, sunk to unimaginable depths in search of new content, degrading himself with the Netflix Original Series Lillehammer and even visiting Crackle.
In the inky blackness of lowered standards, things appeared as their opposites. Up was down. Long was short. Law and Order: SVU seemed as good as The Wire. All was wrong with the world.
But just as the Chosen One became resigned to the hopelessness of his situation, a great update descended upon Netflix, bringing forth exotic new content from a far-off land--Great Britain! Our prophet bathed in the technophobic dystopia of Black Mirror, indulged in the testosterone of Luther and delighted in about half the episodes of Sherlock. Whereas Orphan Black may once have seemed a schizophrenic fever dream in his darkest hour, the clones and their escapades brought the Chosen One great pleasure and reminded him of the largeness of the world, gave him hope that the 'net was again fertile with fresh content ripe for the binge-watching.
Like a phoenix from the ashes, like Arrested Development from cancellation, the Chosen One arose.
What then are we to learn from the Great Millennial and his tribulations? Naught but a few simple maxims:
- Be generous with thine login information, yet sever these ties after romantic breakups
- Add not to queues that are not your own
- Honor thy mother and father by abstaining from watching Real Sex and other late night softcore on their HBO Go account
- Order not physical DVDs from Netflix, for invariably Hotel Rwanda will collect dust on your entertainment center, holding out in vain for the day you are in the mood to watch something heavy. Such days are the stuff of myth.