1. Like the smell of your own farts
C'mon, admit it - when you're ALONE, your normally-gross farts actually smell HELLA good. Don't feel ashamed! EVERYONE likes their own fart-smells, no matter how poo-tinged they are.
2. Look at your poop for a second before flushing
Speaking of things coming out of your butt - turds. There's a lot of turd-shame going around nowadays, but we should all try to be a little more turd-positive, since EVERYONE stares at their turds after goin' numero dos. Why not get up and marvel at what your body has created? From long snake-like turds to sloppy pile-o-mud turds, everyone feels proud that each turd is THEIR turd.
3. Pay a circus clown in crystal meth to drip hot candle wax on your balls
Time to stop pretending like you're the ONLY one who doesn't do this - EVERYONE knows Droopsy the clown will do pretty much anything to your balls if you give that motherfucker enough crystal, and we ALL take advantage of that knowledge by having Droopsy torture our balls with boiling hot candle wax.
4. Walk down the street listening to music and pretending you're in a movie.
Pop your earbuds in and walk down the street and it's instantly like you're in a movie. Indie Rock? Guess you just became the star of the next Zach Braff hit! John Williams' score to Star Wars? Whoa, now you're an undercover Jedi in suburban Iowa! Simon and Garfunkel? Did someone say Coen Bros.-directed coming of age drama?
5. Rawdog that circus clown with ya burnt up dick
After Droopsy just goes wild on your balls with the hot candle wax (and dick, because let's be honest, Droopsy's aim is always a little off), you and Droopsy are gonna be so horned up (you from the testicle-melting pain, Droopsy from all the meth) that you GOTTA go bareback on that junkie circus clown. Everyone does it! Admit it!
6. Make silly faces when you're the only one in an elevator
Ooo, you're the only one on this elevator - cue making a silly face the second the door closes! Don't worry, we ALL do it - especially if it's one of those elevators with mirrors on the walls, so you can SEE the silly faces you're making! And when those elevator doors open, it's back to business-as-usual...we all do it!
7. Take a shit in a clown's mouth
Yeah, you're a BAD clown, aren't you Droopsy? AREN'T YOU? I'M NOT ALONE IN DOING THIS! EVERYONE DOES THIS!
8. Oh god oh god I asphyxiated a clown by pooping in its mouth
Fuck fuck fuck we all do this but still fuck fuck fuck
9. Look at the poop in the clown's mouth for a second before going on the run
Weird how you get that sense of pride when you see the massive turd clogging up Droopsy's trachea. Like, you know turds are gross and you're a monster who has taken the life of another human being and the all-consuming shame of what you've done will never subside, but you can't help but marvel at it. Don't feel embarrassed, we've all done it!