Let's face it: New Year's resolutions are kind of a scam. It's always something like "quit smoking" or "take up the lost art of letter writing" or "don't stress" or something else that will spur on a healthier, "better" you. Nuts to that! Those resolutions are hard to keep. Here are 10 low-bar resolutions for the rest of us:
It's cold, and pajamas are like warm hugs for your legs, but you probably look like a trash bag of garbage. Putting on pants, like jeans or chinos, really isn't that different from pajamas or sweatpants, but it looks a helluva lot better. If it helps, think of them as Nice Pajamas. Besides, no one wants to bone someone in a pair of pajamas, unless you are the George Clooney of pajama wearing, in which case, carry on.
This one is easy. Just accept your weight. If it really bothers you, then you'll have to get off the couch and do something about it, like running or squash or some other dumb fitness thingy. By accepting your weight, you'll boost your self-esteem and get closer to that "zen" feeling everyone's always jabbering on about. Note: this all goes out the window if a medical professional says to lose weight. Listen to them, they know more than I do.
That dining hall has pizza 24/7, and man, have you been taking advantage! Despite pizza being universally recognized as The Most Perfect Food of All-Time (Do Not Fight Me On This), maybe it's time to scale back. One pizza meal a day is plenty. Don't be tempted by a second pizza meal -- let your pizza-less brethren take part in the pizza bounty. Be the Pizza Hero you were born to be. With great pizza comes great responsibility, etc.
Mario Kart is just sitting there, beckoning you to play. Except your History of Cuba class is in 20 minutes. Don't sacrifice your tuition for Mario Kart, but don't sacrifice Mario Kart for anything. Just cut back a bit on the Kart. Set up a weekly tournament where the loser has to go to class and get your notes for you. Let's be honest, none of us want to go listen to a lecture when we can wait for this to happen:
Sometimes, you go to a party or a bar, and you think, I'll have the sampler platter of alcohol! This will almost certainly lead to puking in the sink, every time. (What, that was just me sophomore year? Whoops.) On the other hand, having a signature drink makes you cool like James Bond. It means you're confident and know what you want. Plus, only one kind of alcohol in your system means your body may not necessarily turn on you so quickly.
Note: just because you drink one type of alcohol only is DEFINITELY NOT A GUARANTEE YOU WILL NOT BE ILL. (What, I'm the only one that's drunk Jameson and Coke and then crashed into a glass door? Whoops.)
Are you one of those occasional kleptos? Like, you don't necessarily steal from a store, but you definitely "borrow" shampoo from your roommate? One of these days, they'll walk in on you "borrowing," and they'll be upset, and now your day is spent apologizing when it could've been spent eating pizza and playing Mario Kart. If you really need to use their stuff, just ask them beforehand. Don't risk losing a day of loafing.
Unless you're forced to take a foreign language class (hello, fellow Humanities majors), you're probably not taking one. The thing is, knowing a foreign language is extremely useful, but very difficult to master. Wait, who says you have to master it? You don't! Pick your favorite country and memorize the important stuff, like "Up yours, douchebag!" or "Netflix is bae."
Many of us never volunteer for anything because we like to spend our time doing literally anything else. Volunteering, however, gives you that "good for you" feeling without having to eat a vegetable, and looks good for future job and grad school applications. Plus, there's a ton of stuff you can do that's just like, a half of your day, instead of a weekly thing. Who wants to volunteer weekly? You're not Mother Theresa, and if you say you are, you're a liar, because she's dead. I Googled it.
You can have a messy desk and an unmade bunk bed, but keep the floor visible. Messy floors become war zones for your feet. They're littered with pointy landmines like binders and books and old Twix wrappers with melted chocolate so when you step on it you're all, "Dammit, I stepped in old melted chocolate again!" Pick up everything off the floor and shoving it into a pile in the corner. Hey, this is about low-bar resolutions, remember? I'm not here to tell you to actually clean anything.
Surprisingly, this is the easiest resolution to follow on this list. All you have to do is think, would a dickrag do what I'm about to do? If the answer is yes, then simply don't do it. That is all.
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