President Obama recently appointed Rob Klain as "Ebola czar."  Here are some other not-dramatic-sounding-at-ALL titles for future government officials that will also avoid widespread panic:


Murder King

Torture Sultan

Prince Racism

STD Comptroller

Hate Crime Provost

Dick Bursar

Volcano Pope

Hurricane Cop (starring Jackie Chan)

Executioner of Suicide Prevention

Bed Bugs Fuhrer

TSA Guard of Debauchery


International Debt Messiah

Blood Laureate

PRESIDENTE FOR LIFE of Nutrition and Exercise

Cancer Intern

GMO Archduke

High School Reunion Co-Chair

The All-Knowing, World-Devouring God-Emperor of Traffic Regulation