August 8, 1776
Dear Thomas Jefferson,
Greetings from Mother England! Just wanted let you know I received your "Declaration of Independence" on behalf of the American colonies and wow, I could not be any more impressed with you guys than I am right now.
Seriously, good for you, banding together like this and standing up for the rights we all know no one said you guys evenhave. (On a related note, congratulations on freeing your slaves! Since, you know, all men are created equal and everything). Takes a lot of guts to write a fancy letter like this talking trash to someone 2,000 miles away from you at the time, not to mention to do it to the person almost single-handedly responsible for your way of life. You guys are growing up, and if I weren't already so deep in self-analysis over these horrible accusations you've raised about what a terrible person I am, I might even be proud. Seriously, tyranny? Despotism? Taxation without representation?Boy is my face red!
Oh and by the way, what a mutually beneficial and not the least bit one-sided solution to our current predicament you came up with, bravo! So you guys are outtie, huh? Well I must say it is unfortunate since I was THIS CLOSE to honoring all your totally reasonable demands about how to run colonies we've legally possessed since before any of you were even born, but if that's what you guys think is best, so be it. So you guys will just keep all the land free of charge and we'll just stay here and never use the most powerful military in the world to come take it back by force, huh? You guys drive a hard bargain but okay, sounds good to me!
Anyway just wanted to let you know I got your letter and, you know, sorry for being such a dick all these years. I'll start pulling out our troops ASAP and, considering this is the last time we'll ever speak, farewell and, uh, God save the King? Just kidding LOL! Really though have you guys decided what your new country's saying is going to be yet? Ahh this is all so exciting!
With UTMOST respect,
King George III
July 5, 1803
Greetings from America! Just writing to let you know my representatives have informed me you decided to go ahead and sell the United States the entire Louisiana Territory, rather than just the city of New Orleans, and that I believe, upon careful consideration, that this move is for the best.
Now normally I would scold such representatives for making a purchase I didn't authorize (seriously, under ANY other circumstances these guys would be in some deep shit right now), but considering we were already willing to shell out $10 million for New Orleans alone and you went ahead and offered a quarter of the entire goddamn continent for only $15 million, I'm glad they took the initiative.
Not that it was an easy decision, I'm sure. I mean, four cents per acre? Sure, the value of that land COULD go up something crazy like 50,000% over the next two hundred years and eventually be looked back on as quite possibly the biggest rip-off ever, but what if it doesn't? What if it only goes up like 1,000% over that time (literally worst case scenario)? What THEN, Napoleon? Quite a gamble if you ask me, but definitely one worth taking.
A gamble worth taking on your end too, I imagine, as I know you've got that conflict brewing with Britain right now and could probably use all the help you can get. So please, take this $15 million before I change my mind, because I'm already a little overwhelmed figuring out how to divvy up this giant mass of land into states and territories and what not, since we did just double the size of our entire country in a single transaction for about $3 a citizen, you know. Buyer's remorse, here we come!
Good luck in your war(s) and if for any reason you EVER feel like selling anything else, please send word immediately and not to, you know, Russia or China or something. Thanks bro!
September 24, 1862
Dear Abraham Lincoln,
Greetings from the South! Just wanted to let you know how moved I was to read of your "Emancipation Proclamation" and to assure you the Confederate States fully intend to cooperate with the decision.
How brave of you to free all the slaves here in the Confederacy and not any of the 500,000 still enslaved in the Union! Sure, at first I was confused why you would go out of your way to ONLY free the slaves that are by definition not even currently under your control, which kind of makes the whole thing sound more like a publicity stunt than an actual attempt to abolish slavery, but then I realized: it's because you... care? Just about our slaves though. Not your own. I TOTALLY get it.
It's not like this is all just some intricate ploy to get our slaves to revolt while simultaneously encouraging slave-owners in Union states not to join our cause or anything! Please! Like a U.S. president would ever resort to exploiting moral stances as a way to advance his agenda. If ANYONE is always 100% honest and sincere, it's U.S. Presidents, and I'm sure this latest development is no exception!
That being the case, allow me to reiterate the Confederacy's full support because even though our conflicting views on slavery are the primary reason we're currently at war with each other, we totally did a 180 on that after your announcement, which is clearly fair and not a double standard at ALL. Also, you totally still have jurisdiction here and we are TOTALLY going to follow this law even though we're currently in a state of rebellion specifically because of the unfair rules you guys keep setting for us. This time it's different.
So now that that's settled, I guess we'll just start shutting down all our plantations and freeing all our slaves and you know what? I guess that means this whole "civil war" thing is over now too! Congratulations Abe!
No hard feelings,
P.S. Forgot to mention we just passed a law here that says all horses in Northern states are now free horses, so can you guys please start setting all your horses free ASAP? Thaaaaaaanks.
July 28, 1945
Dear Harry Truman,
Greetings from the Pacific! Just wanted to let you know how sorry the entire Empire of Japan was to hear about your "Potsdam Declaration," and to inform you the surrender you demand will be coming ANY day now, rest assured.
Obviously we weren't planning on just giving up considering we're the ones that started this war with you and admitting we fucked up would be SUPER embarrassing, but since you told us not doing so will bring about "prompt and utter destruction," we're totally scared now and will stop fighting you immediately.
So what, unless we surrender you guys are going to...keep trying to kill us? Does that about sum it up? OH NOOOO! That sounds TOTALLY different than what we've already been doing the last three years and in NO way describes every war ever! So like, when Americans engage in war, you guys keep fighting until your side wins? Daaaamn you guys are RUTHLESS! Yeah here in Japan we usually just fight for a while, chill for a while, it's all pretty laidback. Not like you guys. Please don't keep shooting us and dropping bombs on our cities, Mr. President! We thought for sure you guys would stop doing that at some point and just forget about the whole "Pearl Harbor" thing so seriously we had NO idea this way coming! This changes EVERYTHING!
Feel free to inform your troops of our imminent surrender so they stop killing our poor, helpless soldiers and thank you for allowing us such a generous opportunity to walk ahead with our heads held high. Also, if you notice some of our planes flying dangerously close to your ships in the next couple weeks, don't worry: our pilots are just coming to thank you in person.
Shaking in our boots,
February 25, 1971
Dear Richard Nixon,
I know I've said this before but thank you so much for allowing me to be a part of your staff and let me take this opportunity to also commend you for your brilliant idea to secretly tape-record all your phone conversations for the next five years.
What a perfectly safe way to keep a historical record of your time in office! I especially like the genius decision to make the record function turn on automatically anytime someone speaks, rather than manually turning it on and off the way literally EVERY other president has, because even as I sit here typing this letter I genuinely can't think of any scenarios where not being able to control which conversations you record could one day backfire on you. Seriously, can you think of ANY reason an honorable, law-abiding politician like yourself wouldn't want to tape record every single phone conversation they have? I sure can't!
Anyway just wanted to say thanks again for this amazing opportunity and to remind you once again that, per your request, the phone tap is up and running and literally EVERYTHING YOU SAY FROM NOW ON will be recorded. EVERYTHING. And there's no way this decision will ever come back to haunt you. That is all.
Your loyal Deputy Assistant,
May 1, 2003
Dear George W. Bush,
Greetings from Illinois! I know I'm currently just a lowly state senator and there's little chance you'll actually take the time to read this letter but if so, please accept my apologies for being such a vocal critic of your war in Iraq and my congratulations on seeing it through tocompletion, as today's "Mission Accomplished" speech so eloquently announced.
I had no idea this thing would be over so fast! In fact, as embarrassing as it sounds now, one of the reasons I didn't want us to get involved is how long I thought it would take to "accomplish" this "mission," and, even more embarrassing, I never even understood what the "mission" really was in the first place! Please don't tell anyone!
And yet, here we are, two months after we first invaded and already the war is over. Wow. What else is there to say, other than I'm sorry for misjudging you, and please grant me your forgiveness? You're obviously an excellent Commander-in-Chief who totally understands how to win wars and how to estimate how long they're going to last, you totally had a clear objective for our troops to accomplish this entire time, and clearly, as the banner behind you this afternoon unquestionably asserted for all to see, that mission is officially over as of today.
Great job, Mr. President. May the momentum from this victory carry you on to a well-deserved second term next year, and may history remember you as the hero you are: the guy who decided to invade Iraq for a justifiable reason with a rock solid plan how to get us in and out, and the guy who followed through on that plan and accomplished the clear mission he set with precision. In only two months. Amazing.
And to think, this whole time I thought you were going to screw everything up then later on some Democrat would be able to use your mistakes to convince the public to vote for them instead of another Republican just to help forget this whole administration ever even happened!
Seriously you can't tell ANYONE about this! SO embarrassing!
Your Biggest Fan,