Hello! My name is Anna, and I'll be your Campus Tour Guide today. Thanks so much for coming out, even though I know only 2 or 3 of you are actually applying here--the rest of you lazy assholes are just using this college visit as an excuse to skip your 12th grade Calculus exam.
Looks like we have gorgeous weather today, but don't let that fool you into thinking campus is always partly sunny. There is a 100% chance of snow and freezing rain every day you have an 8 am. OK? OK!
So, let's get started. Our first stop is our Student Center. The Student Center houses all those annoying student groups that are always, like, selling pancakes for charity or hosting author readings of books no one's ever heard of. Steer clear of the Campus Crusade office, because those crazy-for-Christ chastity chimeras will sink their claws into you, drag you into their den of Relient K, and never, ever, let you think for yourself again.
We're gonna keep on going here. And just so you know, I will not be walking backward on this tour because my $7/hour student-employee paycheck doesn't cover the medical expenses for a cracked skull. So if you have some vision of me walking backward upstairs while explaining to you how many presidents attended our university--it was three--then you can just forget it.
Second stop here, if everyone could gather round, very good--just take up the whole sidewalk there so nobody can walk around you, very good, yes....So, our second stop is the library, the palace of knowledge. So, this library hosts over one million books, which are an irrelevant form of media, just so you know. I recommend skipping this bullshit and going straight to Google. The library offers lots of resources for students, including printers that were made in 1880 and run on coal. Isn't that neat?
Right next to the library we have one of campus' many dining halls. This all-you-can-eat buffet style dining hall is very popular among first-years looking to gain all Freshmen 15 in one sitting--I'm looking at you, chubs. In your first year, you'll visit the hall in packs of 10 or more corridor-mates--meaning people who live in the same dormitory hallway. You're going to hate most of your corridor-mates, they're pretty much all back-stabbing bitches, but they're good company for hungover brunches. Trust me, nothing goes better with beer shits than sausage gravy burps.
And where better to work off the guilt of your all-you-can-eat brunch than at the Rec! Can anyone say ZUMBA?!?!?! The Rec is our state-of-the-art work out facility. It also has a smoothie bar, which is really, really popular among anorexics who don't want a full meal but want enough food to stop them from passing out on the treadmill--AGAIN.
So, this is the part of the tour where we walk two miles without a single stop or milestone. I'm going to wave to a bunch of strangers to make it seem like I'm really popular, and you're going to pretend like that hot frat boy is checking you out. You. A high schooler. Keep dreaming, babe.
Two miles later...
So this is our final stop. It is the fine arts building and home to design, music, and theatre studies. If you are in a Fine Arts major, this will be where you eat, sleep, do your homework, do your class work, stress about both home and class work, stress about everything, gain 40 pounds in one semester, and ultimately change your major 16 times before settling back on the original major that landed you in this building in the first place.
That brings us to the end of our tour. I'm going to disappear into this random building while you try to figure out how to get back to your car. K, bye!