7:05 am: Wake up. Rub fingertips across forehead to confirm that barcode is still there.

7:06 am: Shake gay partner awake and unroll floor mats in time for morning prayers to Allah.

7:23 am: Replace all incandescent light bulbs in house for third time this week.

7:39 am: Shower and put on bright, colorful traditional African garb.

7:55 am: Eat breakfast of Kashi cereal while reading latest issue of Mother Jones.

8:07 am: Mandatory gay sex in front of your adopted children.

8:29 am: Get into car with adopted children and pull out of driveway. Shiver in the cold, but refuse to turn on the heat in support of the global warming myth.

8:37 am: Stop at Starbucks for a latte.

8:44 am: Drop off adopted children at government mandated liberal arts kindergarten on route to job as Death Panelist.

9:02 am: Arrive at work. Approve the death of countless elderly veterans with of an effeminate flick of the wrist.

12:00 pm: Lunch.

1:00 pm: Two Minutes Hate.

1:02 pm: Conference call with the heads of the mainstream media. Offer open Massachusetts Senate seat in exchange for 20% increase in use of "Happy Holidays" over "Merry Christmas" in sitcom dialogue and talk show signoffs. Sign contract in lamb's blood.

3:15 pm: Herbal tea break.

3:24 pm: On way back to desk, duck into broom closet and briefly weep for your nation.

3:28 pm: Two hours of internet porn on the taxpayer's dime.

5:30 pm: Leave cushy government job for the day and drive home in Honda Accord. Listen to NPR and tap fingers on wheel in rhythm to the obnoxious jazz clips played in between segments.

5:57 pm: Arrive home. Hug adopted children and congratulate them for refusing to yet again recite the pledge of allegiance.

6:02 pm: Find gay partner in library rereading Mao's Little Red Book. Kiss on the mouth in defiance of God Himself.

6:11 pm: Seat kids in front of The Rachel Maddow Show and begin preparing dinner of matzo ball soup and vegan gefilte fish.

6:16 pm: Terrifying birthing center flashbacks.

6:37 pm: Family dinner. Discuss daily injustices. Give the kids wine.

7:30 pm: Nightly neighborhood bonfire of Stallone and Schwarzenegger DVDs. Exchange of sexual partners with houses on your left.

8:01 pm: Successfully forget that 9/11 ever happened.

8:09 pm: Dust off numerous sociology degrees on wall of living room.

8:15 pm: Read Hillary Clinton's It Takes a Village to kids for 500th bedtime in a row.

8: 43 pm: Engage in bestial acts of depraved repugnance unseen since the days of Sodom and Gomorrah.

11:00 pm sharp: Watch The Daily Show.

11:39 pm: Go to bed. As you doze off, briefly allow memories of Reagan to swell heart with hope. Receive painful shock from chip implanted in brain.


11:58 pm: Regularly scheduled night terrors.