Illustrated by Paul Westover.
7 New Video Games for Politicians
By Will Stephen
Hypocrisy Tetris Shuffle Your Opinions As Quickly As Possible Before They Pile Up and Fuck Over Your Career! Image: fitting words and phrases in different tetris shapes to fit each other: "I NEVER SUPPORTED THAT, PER SE" "OH, ABSOLUTELY" "YOU HAVE MY TOTAL SUPPORT" "IT WAS A JUST WAR" "NO, I AM PRO-CIVIL UNIONS" "UNEQUIVOCALLY" "WELL, WE DIDN'T HAVE ALL THE FACTS THEN" "I SUPPORT EQUAL RIGHTS, BUT" "ABSTAIN" On one side, they're piling up almost to the top with a pop-up bubble saying: "UH OH! YOU'RE ALMOST A CONSULTANT FOR CABLE NEWS!" Blood Rebuttal: a First Person Debater You have two minutes to respond. Or your career is dead. Image: A first person shooter screen at a podium for a debate. You see papers on the podium, a glass of water, two hands (wearing a suit), a microphone, a moderator, an opponent, and an audience full of people. One hand is waving and the screen shows up in font dripping blood "DEFLECTED" TOOLS box on side: BULLSHIT TALKING POINTS (74), TEARJERKER SMALL BUSINESS OWNER STORIES (48), JOKES ABOUT YOUR WIFE (2), RACIST SLURS (4), FACTS (1), CHAINSAW (1) HEALTH bar: high MORAL HEALTH: low (blinking) Promise Crush Combine Campaign Promises to Watch Them All Explode! Image: instead of candies, they're different faces looking angry - an Old Woman, a Military Guy, a black kid, a Gay Couple, a doctor, a Moustached Guy in a Cowboy Hat -- a row of them exploding Transparent Evil The truth is out. The people have awoken. And they want answers. Image: Horrifying Silent Hill style hallway, normal citizens looking like zombies coming toward a guy in a suit, saying "DONATIONS? FROM WHERE?" Man in the suit is swinging a rusty crowbar Tea Party Party! Get Your Country Back with Over 70 New Mini-Government Mini-Games! Bubble: "They Can't Tax Fun! ...Yet!" Image: Ted Cruz, Rand Paul, Ron Paul, Herman Cain, army of birthers with Nobama signs, etc in Mario Party-style animation pumping fists in the air. PAC Man Gobble Those Funds! They're For Your Own Independent Use (Kind Of)! But Watch Out for Those Scaaaary Lawyers! Image: Pac Man board. High Score: >$1000 the dots are $ signs inside the Jail is a Politician covering his eyes the ghosts are Lawyers with suitcases chasing PAC Man around Suppress Suppress Revolution! Squash 'Em, Sucka! Image: a man in a suit stamping on different constitutions (in place of DDR mat) looking at screen saying Visitation Rights, Access to Voting, Affordable Health Care, Net Neutrality