Okay, party animal. Time to buckle down. You've got that HUGE un-skippable thing tomorrow morning, so tonight you HAVE to get some rest. Before you start winding down, however, let's go over your checklist just one more time so you know EXACTLY what's about to happen. No exceptions!


1. Set your alarm.

You can definitely be there on time if you wake up at 6 a.m, but just to be safe we should probably go ahead and set it for 5:45 a.m.

2. Reset your alarm.

The more you think about it, 5:45 a.m. seems like overkill. Let's just split the difference and call it, oh, 5:59 a.m.? That should be fine.

3. Get your clothes ready.

This should be easy, actually, considering you have precisely ONE clean outfit that looks presentable. Lay it out beside your bed with the shirt on top and the pants on bottom like there's an invisible person taking a nap in there. It wouldn't look right any other way, that's why!

4. Check the clock.

What is it, 8 p.m.? Okay, well that means you have two hours to relax and have fun, then it's straight to bed!

5. Go to bed.

...at 11:50 p.m. Just perfect. Hope those two extra episodes of Arrow were worth waking up like Chewbacca six hours from now.

6. Start counting sheep.

That is a real thing, right? Might as well give it a shot. One.....two....three....

7. Check the clock.

Ugh, 12:35 a.m.? You literally just laid down like two minutes ago.

8. Is that a cold sore on your lip?

It feels like it might be a cold sore. Go ahead and run your tongue over it, oh, let's say, thirty-five times in a row, then we'll see.

9. Sheep. Remember?

Oh yeah, sheep. Umm...five? Six....seven....

8. Clock.

1:13 a.m.? How the fuck is it 1:13 a.m. already? Is this thing broken?

9. Cold sore.

Yup, definitely a cold sore.

10. Reminisce about some random memory from childhood you completely forgot about until just now.

Holy shit how could you forget about that time you sharted in class two seconds before the fire alarm went off? Who forgets something like that?


Sorry that counting sheep is literally the most BORING concept humanity has ever conceived! How about we see how many sheep we can imagine murdering with our bare hands one after another? One...two...three...

12. Fall asleep for 0.2 seconds.

Then wake up in a confused panic, worried that you overslept.

13. Check the clock.

2:48 a.m.? You are so fucked.

14. Order yourself some flowers.

Just seems like a nice thing to do considering how hard you've FUCKED yourself tonight. Okay, okay. This really isn't the time.

14. Cold sore.


15. Fall asleep.

Is it possible to sleep angry and depressed? Find out.

16. Wake up to your alarm.

Howl like Chewbacca. Told you.

17. Cancel whatever you're supposed to do today.

Fake your death if you have to.

18. Go back to sleep.

Sweet dreams!