Between watching Chopped, Top Chef, and 37 other shows where sweaty people with tattoos of faux-hawks sprint around a kitchen while a clock ticks down, I've fully convinced myself that I can also cook anything on the fly with no plan or recipe, as long as I combine everything in the corner of a bowl and whip it really fast with a spoon then taste it and go "YES."

Example: "I need a sauce for this shrimp, so I grab the soy sauce, some honey, a little sriracha for heat, some fresh ginger, a little garlic, and some olive oil. Whip it up, give it a little taste, aaaand... it tastes like all those things separately, with huge pieces of garlic and ginger floating in it. Hm. Better toss in the rest of this expired Half & Half (for "body") and some Bleu Cheese Dressing ("savory element"). Damnnn I should probably bottle this!"



"HOW DID YOU MISS THAT FREE THROW, Basketball Man?? Dude, the hoop is RIGHT THERE! Just put the ball into it! It looks SO CLOSE on tv! All these other ridiculous athletes who practice this skill constantly and still miss sometimes because they're human usually do it! Hell, I COULD DO IT, as long as you promise to never make me follow up on that claim!"

[Pause. Silence.]

"Thanks for not calling me on my shit, television in my empty apartment."



I've watched enough SVU to know not to fall for the "obvious suspect," even though he's an ex-con and had a motive to murder his wife and owned the murder weapon (which was a harpoon for some reason) and there's video footage of him committing the murder in realtime from 7 clear angles. The TRUE killer is this STATE SENATOR who's vaguely based on Anthony Weiner (his name is "Timothy Wangpeen") who hired an intern to ACTUALLY commit the murder to win a construction contract for a new municipal Jai Alai court then doctored all 7 tapes to frame the guy they arrested 10 minutes into the episode.

OH yeah. I could totally be a real cop. Maybe they should just make me Police Commissioner like, tomorrow?



"A-HA! You just took a sip of your beer! CLASSIC tell! You're BLUFFIN' OUT YOUR ASSSSSS!!!!!"

"Huh? I'm not playing poker, I'm just here to hang out."

"A-HA! THE WORST TELL OF ALL! I am ALL IN" [Dramatically shoves 3 remaining chips to the center of the table, gets instantly covered in guacamole, plays it off by putting on sunglasses and aggressively pacing around the room]



"You sit right there, I'll make you one of my patented, uh, Danny's...Doorknobs"


[Grabs open bottle of Gin. Looks in fridge, sees flat seltzer, Gatorade, 2 eggs, leftover Chicken and Broccoli, mostly-empty salsa jar]

"Tahh dahhh! The drink is actually just gin over ice. And I didn't have ice. So let's call it a Danny's STRAIGHT UP."

"I'm just gonna open a beer I brought."




"I used to watch Lost so I'm pretty sure I can track peoples' movements by staring at the ground for footprints then finding ripped clothing strands and blood that traveling-people constantly leave behind. Hmmm..." [Points at pebble on ground] "They definitely came through here."

"Yes, this is a cobblestone walkway into the house."

"Definitely stepped on this. Shoeprint, size something."

"Yes, that's a 'Garfield' Welcome Mat."

"Look! No snapped twigs. They went this way."

"Into the house? Yeah, probably."



"I've played mini golf, I've played Wii golf, and I've seen golf on tv, so how hard could 'actual golfing' be? Just gotta swing in a nice cool smooth arc and it'll make a nice perfect 'whoosh' noise and the ball will fly in a nice straight line. If anything, I better make sure I don't hit it past the green, since this is kinda of a short hole."

[Attempts to swing, looks like a flailing newborn zebra from Planet Earth. Club hits 90% ground, ball goes 18 inches diagonally backwards.]

"Gettin' the hang of it."



"Good show, man! Glad I finally made it out to one of these."