You thought female employees of the Hobby Lobby corporation were screwed (and subsequently getting pregnant), didn't you? Think again! Hobby Lobby has the supplies, arts and crafts to make sure your eggs stay in their basket (aisle 7 has the baskets just for that).
1. Wicker Chastity Belt
Add some flair to your virginity with this simple, chic and classy wicker chastity belt. With state-of-the-art design, this belt is made to hug your waist as a reminder that the Lord is hugging His children until they are ready to have their own. Buy this belt as a gift for any pure, young lady you know - nieces, daughters, local girl scouts - for any occasion - birthdays, Bat Mitzvahs, Labor Day. Comes with a key for each father to have until he can give it to his future son-in-law. Can be tailored to fit your "needs" (to stop your "wants"!). $19.99.
2. Scarlet Letter Embroidery Transfer Patterns
Few things keep a girl from losing her honor more than shame! Get this Hobby Lobby Scarlet Letter Embroidery Transfer Pattern to show the young women-of-age the kind of humiliation that may follow them should they decide against saving themselves for marriage. This indirect contraceptive comes with embroidery needles and fabric paints to make a stigma a fashion statement. $14.99.
3. Hysteria Suppressing Potpourri
Sometimes women have sinful thoughts - we understand that here at Hobby Lobby. But these bouts of hysteria can be suppressed by our fresh concoction of potpourri. Fill your home with the light, airy scents of acorns, twigs, and rampant virginity. This case of potpourri will transport you and loved ones straight to a relaxing walk through the woods and will reignite the innocence you once had. Buy now and get a free "Urges" Journal for extreme cases of hysteria. $24.99.
4. A 12X15 Wooden "Urges" Journal
One of the most powerful things a woman of birthing age can do to silence the devil inside of her is to write out her sexual urges in a journal. Once you have rid your mind of its evil, you can throw the entire journal into your fireplace. The wooden bookbinding will even double as firewood once the pages of thoughts have disappeared into ashes. These are located in aisle 6, right next to the Viagra. $14.99.
5. DIY Purity Ring Kit
Comes with various metals and materials for the melting, shaping, and carving process. Add these cool, fashionable, god-fearing rings to your jewelry cabinet today! With custom designs that you can carve yourself - whether it be your name, a quote, or simply the words, "Take that, Ruth Bader Ginsburg" - you'll be flaunting it all day every Sunday! Buy this Kit on Valentine's Day and get the special "willpower" discount of 15% off of your next piece of DIY Chastity Jewelry. Get the accessories that scream, "I'm waiting." $7.99.
6. Hobby Lobby's Twelve Week Abstinence Course
What better method of contraception than the only one proven to be 100% effective (besides Mary, but we'll let that one slide!)? Sign up for Hobby Lobby's Abstinence Course now to learn what it takes to say, "Sorry, birth control. I've got a date with VIRTUE tonight." Here, you'll spend twelve weeks scrapbooking, beading and stamping your way through virginity. 100% funded by members of the Supreme Court (well, most of them at least!). $0.00.