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1. The "USA! USA! USA!" Guy - This overly-zealous patriot has on a star-spangled jersey from his frat days and is sporting an American Flag as a cape. Hey may be a true American, but he is not a true soccer fan, and ignites chants of "USA! USA! USA!" every three minutes, usually at the worst possible times. It does give you an excuse to frequently take shots, which helps numb the migraine he is causing.

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2. The Offsides Guy - This guy has a fail-proof plan to stop anyone from being aware of his limited soccer knowledge. He learned one key soccer term, offsides, and he yells this for every. single. goal. If a ball touches the net, he shouts "OFFSIDES!!!" regardless of who scored.  He then runs his frustrated fingers through his thinning hair, overcome by disbelief that the refs didn't call that! It was so obviously offsides!

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3. The Limey Who Keeps Calling it Footie - This UK-native's funny accent and picket fence teeth give him an advantage over every other fan in this place, that advantage being that everyone will believe anything he says. Those around him will look to him for cues on how they should react to yellow cards, foul calls, corner kicks, and halftime commentary. Despite having fought the revolutionary war to gain independence from the British, it seems they still own us when it comes to how we should feel about soccer.  

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4. The Study Abroad Girl - This obnoxious over-achiever is wearing $300 of gear supporting the other team. Why? Because she studied abroad there and absolutely LOVED it. She will tell anyone who will listen about the opposing country's customs, language, people, and food, begging the question if she has ever even watched a soccer game. She has, as she will tell you, while she was studying abroad! Did you know she studied abroad?!?!?! Well, if you didn't, she's about to tell you alllll about it.

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5. The Underwear Ad Girl - This girl knows the name of one, and only one, soccer player on the entire planet, and it is only because he was near-naked in an underwear ad. However, this gives her the soccer know-how to commentate the entire game with, "Oh he is so good at that!" and, "oh wow, that's so not like him!" followed with a knowing, "he's just not playing his usual best, today."  Funny how, despite all of her obvious knowledge, she can't even properly pronounce his name, or how many goals he scored at UEFA's Champions League finals.


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6. The GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAALLLL!!!! Guy - This asshole is a necessary evil for any soccer crowd. Not owning any soccer gear, this douchebag is in an ill-fitted button up and flip flops. He's only here for the opportunity to drink beer and yell "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAALLLL!!!" as if he had just been set on fire. In fact, you will probably consider pulling the fire alarm just to shut him up, which would be a welcome relief after that third goal.

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7. The Guy Looking for Baseball Scores - Confused, alone, and 100% American, this poor guy just wants to know how the Cardinals are doing. He has the audacity to ask if we can check the baseball game, just for a minute, to see the scores, which only gets him exiled from the bar.

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8. The High-Five Guy - This optimistic soccer fanatic is known for two things: His bizarre choice of costume, always unrelated to soccer (thinking superman or Viking), and his insatiable thirst for high-fives. No matter the circumstance, this guy finds a way to make the rounds of the bar, high-fiving every palm in sight. Whether it's a substitution, foul kick, goal, or a quality commercial, this man is there with a right-angled elbow and a forceful high-five. 

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9. The "I Don't Even Know What Soccer Is" Girl - This girl has never watched, played, or seen soccer, and she wants you to know it. Every four seconds you hear, "what just happened? Is that good? Is that a good thing?" followed by an impatient silence from her fellow spectators. She doesn't know the difference between really injured and soccer injured, so whenever a soccer player collapses to the ground in feigned agony (so roughly three times a minute), she cries in earnest concern, "oh no! Is he OK? Is he gonna be OK!!!??? What is HAPPENING? WHAT IS THIS SPORT? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT SOCCER IS? SOCCER? WHAT DOES IT MEAN!?!?!"