The announcement of Michael Bay's involvement with the upcoming Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles reboot may have elicited a generation-wide groan heard 'round the Internet, but truth be told, this wouldn't be the first cringe-worthy performance by the fearsome fighting teens. Their initial debut into the world of video games was pretty horrific, but probably still better than Bay's steaming pile. Here's why.
Slow Ninja, Slow Ninja, Slow!
I have no idea what's going on right now.
What do NES games and Michael Bay films have in common? If there is a lot of action on screen, things are going to get slow. On the NES, these tiring time-crawls were an unavoidable whenever a game fully tapped into the raw power of the console's Ricoh 2A-03 8-bit processor. Bay however intentionally brings time to a near halt, trying desperately to compensate for lack of substance with lengthy, eyeball-scrambling, CGI abortions.
Still more fun than a Megan Fox movie.
Everyone's favorite jumpsuited reporter did little more than pledge her undying support after her easy rescue in the NES game. Unfortunately, as she is played by Megan Fox in the upcoming film, O'Neil, will definitely have more screen time. While she may be easy on the eyes (and winner of the 2009 VGA for Best Human Performance) Fox couldn't act surprised if her pants caught fire. If the astounding amount of dialogue Fox blurts out in the trailer is any indication (seriously, go back and count how many words she actually gets out) we're in for a performance as entertaining as wet cardboard.
An American tragedy.
As a nauseatingly hormonal 90s teen, I was so easily convinced that I didn't want to miss a thing, I actually laid down my hard earned Burger King wages to purchase the Armageddon soundtrack. But in my defense, the occasional Michael Bay movie soundtrack found in a person's music library is the audio equivalent of the teenage tattoo: embarrassing, regrettable, and horribly dated. The dulcet rhythms of the game's soundtrack however are innately happy, endlessly enjoyable, and have never been associated with a Ben Affleck music video.
Dude, You Look Like Shell.
They're heroes in a halfshell and they're...kinda creepy.
I don't disagree with LaserTime's Chris Antista accurate assertion that the new turtles appear to be "mini Hulks that look like they're backpacking across Europe", but I am in the vast Internet minority when I say I actually like their new weighty, scavenged appearance (as long as they keep those masks on). But inevitably, CG-heavy movies never age well, turning today's groundbreaking visuals into tomorrow's laughable, visual garbage. But thanks to the NES generation's reverence for 8-bit sprites, what were once the pixelated result of a console's graphical limitations have become a timeless, iconic art style all its own.
That's a Fact, Jack!
The lesser known "Bounching Chandelier / Shirtless Lumberjack" unit of the Foot Clan.
Seeing as how Konami's Japanese development team were a few thousand miles removed from the game's targeted American audience, it's understandable they'd mistakenly use assets from the comic instead of the immensely popular Saturday morning cartoon. But despite missing the mark when it came to some of the enemies (Ok, most of the enemies), Konami did maintain the integrity of the turtles' origin story. Even though the initial "Teenage Alien Ninja Turtles" rumor surrounding the film was put to rest long ago, Bay still seems unsatisfied with the original, accidental mutagen origin. Instead, the film appears to blaze an idiotic and unnecessary new path regarding Shredder's ambiguously intimate relationship with April O'Neal's father that somehow resulted in the intentional creation of anthropomorphic ninja reptiles.