So you've ventured into a new coffee shop. But you don't really fit in. Here's how it works.
1. If they ask if you prefer French Press or Pour Over, just pick one! These are NOT medieval torture techniques. Why would they be medieval torture techniques? Remember, you are at a café!
2. Some roasts of coffee cost more and have complex aromatic notes. You might think this is a bit ridiculous but actually, it is a bit ridiculous.
3. If your iced coffee comes in a mason jar, play it cool. Hold it like you would normally. Do NOT chuck it against the wall in a violent rage.
4. If the Barista doesn't make eye contact with you immediately, she's either busy with another customer or she thinks you suck. Give her a minute or dress better.
5. There is no soymilk. There is likely no room for cream. If you can't drink it black, then damn, maybe that barista was right about you.
6. If you can't make out the design in the foam of your latte, that means you have not been asked back by the establishment.
7. Don't ask if there is Wi-Fi. There is never Wi-Fi. Pretend like you can enjoy your espresso without the Internet. Take out your phone and Google "Americano". Then, go home.
Illustrated by Jason Katzenstein.