Illustrated by Kailyn Boehm
If Videogame Characters Went to Your High School
By Ross Snow
If Video Game Characters Were the People You Went To High School With Kirby - The Guy Who Fits Into Every Clique He's a social butterfly, able to adapt to pretty much every clique. He's not the coolest guy in each - almost a watered-down version of everyone - but he still seems fairly happy. Deep down though, he's a complex ball of emotions with a serious penchant for overeating. He'll most likely figure himself out in college, as long as he doesn't get a heart attack first. Sonic - The Guy Who THINKS He's Cool Sure, he figured out hair gel before the rest of us, and yeah he's super fast, but that's about it. Do you know what being a track star translates to once you're in the real world? Absolutely nothing. His prime has already come and gone, and the rest of his life will be spent reminiscing about "the good ol' days." The saddest part of all of this, though, is that no matter how far he falls, he'll always have one guy who follows him around, thinking he's being cool by association. Link - The Straight 'A' Do-Gooder This kid means business. He's always on time, always polite, he even takes AP classes and volunteers at the local animal shelter. In the summer months, he even earns extra money cutting all of his neighbors lawns. Despite all that, you wouldn't dare make fun of him because you're pretty sure he's got a weirdly huge collection of weapons stashed in his room that he isn't afraid to use. The Long Tetris Block - The Hot Girl Who's Always Late To Class Without fail, class will have been going on for 10 minutes when she FINALLY decides to stroll in. About time. But don't get me wrong, everyone's still happy she showed up at all. Especially the nerdy guys, who spend most of their free time fantasizing about slamming her down so hard. Ice Climbers - The Couple Who's ALWAYS Together You just know they're gonna get married some day. (They wear matching outfits for god's sake.) Despite all that, they're perfect for each other and even won the school yearbook's cutest couple competition. Some think it's kinda creepy though, because they look like they could be brother and sister. Megaman - The Guy Who's Always Challenging Authority Everyone else usually accepts all the teachers' lessons, but he doesn't. If something seems wrong, he'll take a stand. He does this so often, it almost seems to be to a fault, but he swears he's doing it for the better good of all. Sadly, you just know he's in for a lifetime of problems with future bosses. Mario - The Normal Kid Who Will Somehow Be The Most Popular At the 10 Year Reunion* When he was in high school, he seemed pretty normal on the outside. Maybe he tried a little too hard with his pubescent mustache, but otherwise unremarkable. His close friends knew he had a lot of hidden talents, though. That's why they won't be surprised when he's the guy at the reunion with the hottest girlfriend and a denim pocket overflowing with coin. Scorpion - The Hall Monitor "Get over here!" Shit. You're so dead.