+1 Spins so fast body gets that neat rubber pencil effect

+2 Shows no signs of being dizzy. Ever.


-1 Wobbles

-2 Vomits



+1 Does a flip

+2 Does a YOLO Flip


-1 Suffers a horrific injury

-2 Does a pathetic double axel instead of a heroic triple axel



+1 Does a pratfall

+2 Does a pratfall that tricks the EMTs for a second


-1 Falls (nonprat)

-2 Falls and then just gets up and keeps going as if nobody noticed and it isn't a huge deal



+1 Can go forward, backward, side to side

+2 Footwork spells out judges' names in the ice, then draws a heart or a sweet lightning bolt next to them


-1 Skates over the same patch of ice, literally crossing out judges' names

-2 Grabs wall at any point



+1 At least 50% sequins

+2 No glasses


-1 Could pass as reasonable and appropriate clothing outside of the rink

-2 Helmet



+1 Has pleasing face

+2 Clearly knows what to do with hands throughout entire routine


-1 Music selection makes the judges feel old and out of touch

-2 Audience can tell skating partners aren't really in love



+1 Does not bash, or hire someone to bash, opponent

+2 Has depressing backstory


-1 Collects own bouquets off the ice after routine like some kind of loser

-2 Throws arms up in the air and smiles in triumph at the end of routine. Why don't we just wait and see what the judges have to say before we celebrate?



+5 Arranges for basketball hoops to be down, gets ball from coach mid-routine, then hits a three

+6 It was a swish