You really clicked this.

It worked.

I, uh...I guess I better write this article then.

Sorry, I just...damn. I really did not expect that.

Uhhh, um...okay, well, I will get started then. Right now.

So. Okay. So everyone loves and respects Beyonce as an icon of postracial feminist womanhood, but the truth is that she is actually WAY more harmful to women and people of color than you think. So. That sentence was the introduction to this article, and it stated what I will prove in the rest of the article. With totally real evidence. Starting now. Here goes.

Since her rise to popularity, there have been examples upon examples of Beyonce sending racist and sexist messages to young women. [Note to self: I might need to do a little more research on exactly where those links link to later. Although it's not that important, because no one really clicks through in these thinkpieces anyway, right? They'll probably just see the number of different links and be like "wow, that IS a lot of examples! I'm convinced!"]

Uh...I guess now I'll just take some lines from her songs and kind of pun off them to add some flair to my point, now that I've proven it with examples. Beyonce isn't just Drunk in Love, she's Drunk with Privilege. Put that on your surfbort and ride the waves of truth, you guys.

Right. You're still reading. Cool. Just as I hoped. I definitely want people to read this piece with a critical, analytical eye, not just click on it and then immediately share it on Facebook out of knee-jerk outrage.

Umm. Beyonce is basically a white male in terms of all she does for minorities. [Note to self: this MIGHT be a little pander-y or race-bait-y or whatever. Come back to this. Could always just submit it to xojane instead]. Like, you know the Single Ladies video? Well, you might NOT know that there's an unedited version of that video in which she slaps a young Asian girl for not being a good enough dancer. I can't show you the video, but I'm asserting that it exists, and that is just as good, because you're reading this article on a reputable-ish website, and anything that's passed through the extensive fact-checking process that all websites uphold is basically as good as true.

Huh...what else do people hate? Oh, remember that mom that made her kid go to tanning beds all the time? Beyonce is worse than that! [Note to self: maybe put this comparison in the headline of the piece?] Also, I once heard (in my imagination) that she legally changed her name to Mrs. Jay-Z M. Carter. The M stands for Misogyny.

Oh! And she notoriously photoshops her Instagram pictures. You can see the before and after here.

[Note to self: is this long enough? I really feel like by this point people will either have shared the article or given up on it. Like, if I were really going to say anything of importance, it would probably go earlier than this. I guess maybe some people would keep reading just IN CASE of the unlikely scenario in which I actually make a defensible claim in the very last paragraph, instead of just more of the same overblown bullshit attacking one of the few public figures who's actually an undeniable force for good in our disgustingly voyeuristic, rubbernecking, faux-sincere-but-actually-poisonously-destructive, lowest common denominator debate culture? But tbh probably not.]


For more mandatory reading on this topic, check out this genius essay and this one.