Flowchart: What iPhone App Should You Open?

By Hallie Cantor

Do you want to be reminded that other people exist?
Yes. Anyone. Please. → Do you want to know/meet those other people IRL?
No, I want to bask in my loneliness and alienation.

Do you want to know/meet those other people IRL?
Yeah, I'm not some kinda LOSER. → Do you want to have sex with them?
No, I hate everyone I know. → How's your attention span?

Do you want to have sex with them?
Duh. → TINDER
Nah. → But you want to see their privates, right?

But you want to see their privates, right?
No! → Do you want to feel left out?
Yeah... → SNAPCHAT

Do you want to feel left out?
Sigh. Yes. → Do you also want to be annoyed by people from high school?
Never. → Do you actually want a conversation?

Do you also want to be annoyed by people from high school?
Big time. → FACEBOOK
No. → INSTAGRAM

Do you actually want a conversation?
Yes. → Are you in an Apple commercial?
Good God, no. → Are you a monster?

Are you in an Apple commercial?
Yes. → FACETIME
No. → PHONE

Are you a monster?
Kind of. → LINKEDIN
No. → Do you have better phone service or internet service right now?

Do you have better phone service or internet service right now?
Phone: MESSAGES
Internet: MAIL
Neither: I DUNNO, JUST SIT THERE, I GUESS?

How's your attention span?
It's fine. → Audio or visual?
It's very sh--Ooh, a red number! Let me click it. → Wait, come back!

Wait, come back! Can you read?
Yes, obviously. → TWITTER
LOL wut r all these funnie symbils? → VINE

Audio or visual?
Pretty pictures please. → TUMBLR
Tell me a bedtime story. → PODCASTS

Is there a funny looking dog on the street?
Yes. → CAMERA
No, but remember the time there was? That was the best. → PHOTOS
No. → Are you lost?

Are you lost?
Yes. → Do you want to figure out where you're going?
No. → Do you want to be entertained?

Do you want to figure out where you're going?
Yes. → GOOGLE MAPS
No. → APPLE MAPS
Yes, but I also want to pretend I'm a sailor from the 13th century. → COMPASS

Do you want to be entertained?
Yeah. → Musically?
Meh.  → Wait, so what DO you want?

Wait, so what DO you want?
To receive a message from my past self. → In what format?
To make my phone better. → What's wrong with it?
To learn something new! → Something like...
To glimpse into the future. → For what purpose?

For what purpose?
Making plans. → CALENDAR
Layering. → WEATHER

Something like...
What time it is in Copenhagen. → CLOCK
The difference between ale and lager. → SAFARI

What's wrong with it?
It's boring. That's why I'm reading this flowchart. → APP STORE
It's doing something dumb. → SETTINGS

In what format?
Freeform poetry. → NOTES
Homework assignment. → REMINDERS
Not sure, but I do LOVE the sound of my own voice. → VOICE MEMO

Musically?
Yes. → Do you pay for your music albums?
No. → How about a nice game?

Do you pay for your music albums?
Yes. → ITUNES
Not per album, grandpa. → SPOTIFY
Not at all→ SONGZA

How about a nice game?
Sure. → How much energy do you have right now?
Ehhh. → Wow, you are not being cooperative.

How much mental energy do you have right now?
A fair amount. → CANDY CRUSH
Zero. → ANGRY BIRDS

Wow, you are not being cooperative.
Listen, I will literally die if I don't press a button in the next 30 seconds. → STOCKS