Illustrated by Ross Nover.
Flowchart: What iPhone App Should You Open?
By Hallie Cantor
Do you want to be reminded that other people exist? Yes. Anyone. Please. → Do you want to know/meet those other people IRL? No, I want to bask in my loneliness and alienation. Do you want to know/meet those other people IRL? Yeah, I'm not some kinda LOSER. → Do you want to have sex with them? No, I hate everyone I know. → How's your attention span? Do you want to have sex with them? Duh. → TINDER Nah. → But you want to see their privates, right? But you want to see their privates, right? No! → Do you want to feel left out? Yeah... → SNAPCHAT Do you want to feel left out? Sigh. Yes. → Do you also want to be annoyed by people from high school? Never. → Do you actually want a conversation? Do you also want to be annoyed by people from high school? Big time. → FACEBOOK No. → INSTAGRAM Do you actually want a conversation? Yes. → Are you in an Apple commercial? Good God, no. → Are you a monster? Are you in an Apple commercial? Yes. → FACETIME No. → PHONE Are you a monster? Kind of. → LINKEDIN No. → Do you have better phone service or internet service right now? Do you have better phone service or internet service right now? Phone: MESSAGES Internet: MAIL Neither: I DUNNO, JUST SIT THERE, I GUESS? How's your attention span? It's fine. → Audio or visual? It's very sh--Ooh, a red number! Let me click it. → Wait, come back! Wait, come back! Can you read? Yes, obviously. → TWITTER LOL wut r all these funnie symbils? → VINE Audio or visual? Pretty pictures please. → TUMBLR Tell me a bedtime story. → PODCASTS Is there a funny looking dog on the street? Yes. → CAMERA No, but remember the time there was? That was the best. → PHOTOS No. → Are you lost? Are you lost? Yes. → Do you want to figure out where you're going? No. → Do you want to be entertained? Do you want to figure out where you're going? Yes. → GOOGLE MAPS No. → APPLE MAPS Yes, but I also want to pretend I'm a sailor from the 13th century. → COMPASS Do you want to be entertained? Yeah. → Musically? Meh. → Wait, so what DO you want? Wait, so what DO you want? To receive a message from my past self. → In what format? To make my phone better. → What's wrong with it? To learn something new! → Something like... To glimpse into the future. → For what purpose? For what purpose? Making plans. → CALENDAR Layering. → WEATHER Something like... What time it is in Copenhagen. → CLOCK The difference between ale and lager. → SAFARI What's wrong with it? It's boring. That's why I'm reading this flowchart. → APP STORE It's doing something dumb. → SETTINGS In what format? Freeform poetry. → NOTES Homework assignment. → REMINDERS Not sure, but I do LOVE the sound of my own voice. → VOICE MEMO Musically? Yes. → Do you pay for your music albums? No. → How about a nice game? Do you pay for your music albums? Yes. → ITUNES Not per album, grandpa. → SPOTIFY Not at all→ SONGZA How about a nice game? Sure. → How much energy do you have right now? Ehhh. → Wow, you are not being cooperative. How much mental energy do you have right now? A fair amount. → CANDY CRUSH Zero. → ANGRY BIRDS Wow, you are not being cooperative. Listen, I will literally die if I don't press a button in the next 30 seconds. → STOCKS