Somewhere between your fifth drink and now you were supposed to find someone to kiss at midnight. Unfortunately you let time get away from you and like a quarterback out of the pocket, you're now scrambling. Right now your only hope is to find someone else in your exact situation and mindlessly lock lips. Move too slow and you won't find anyone. Move too fast and you might accidently head butt your momentary soul mate before they have a chance to give you Mono.
You don't know how it happened and you don't care. Somehow you were talking to an Abercrombie model when the clock struck midnight and now you've got a face full of an excessively attractive face. Is this a reward for the deeds you did this year or an omen of what's to come? Either way, you're getting a high five from everyone who sees you champion the night. But don't bother telling anyone else about it, they won't believe you.
Do you feel lucky? You've been placed in front of a person who has both the will to kiss you and a full blown cold sore. Maybe if you just aim for the part of their mouth without touching the bad part you'll get out unscathed. Yeah, and the odds in Russian roulette really aren't that bad. When it comes down to it, not getting kissed might mean bad luck for one year, but cold sores are forever.
Uh oh. Somebody just wants to be friends and putting their mouth on your mouth would just complicate things. "Oh yeah... psh... I totally get it," you lie while you scan your brain for a reason to get out of the situation. Despite human contact, this is somehow feels worse than the non-existent kiss. It's the pity in the other person's eyes as they try to let you down easy. They look like they're watching a baby panda being euthanized. Now you have two choices. You can either find someone else to kiss by night's end or consume enough alcohol to kill any memories of the event. After all, Jack Daniels never says no.
This is less of a kiss and more of an open mouth tongue battle. This year you decided to treat the New Year like your 21st birthday and got uncontrollably drunk. Luckily, you're not the only one with this flawless plan and come midnight you've found an equally intoxicated person to share a kiss neither of you will remember. Sure your interactions seem more like prehistoric mating rituals than an actual conversation but they have that special twinkle in their glazed-over eyes that you just can't say no to. You welcome the New Year by trying to eat their face while making everyone around you a little uncomfortable.
New Years is the only holiday that requires you to get to first base with someone. Sure birthday sex is kind of a thing, Christmas has mistletoe (that's avoidable), and Passover has its over-the-pants hand-stuff*, but none of that has the same public pressure that comes with the New Year. Let's slow down. What's the big deal about this kissing tradition? It's not like if you don't get kissed you will face a year of coldness and lack of affection, right? Wrong. That's exactly what it means. If you can't find someone to kiss at the stroke of midnight you might as well get a cat because it's going to be a year of loneliness. That or you can stop believing in superstition and go about your life as a normal, well-adjusted person. Your choice.
*No it doesn't