Hey it's me, your one cheap-ass friend who always weasels out of paying for shit! People are always looking to save money these days, what with the economy and all, but why turn to Suze Orman shows and books by Suze Orman when you can get some perfectly valid and WAY easier money-saving tips from me, CAPTAIN Moneysaver? (You're still not calling me that, by the way.)
Here are 8 Simple Money-Saving Secrets that ANY complete asshole can use:
When splitting up a check, loudly declare that your meal was "like eight bucks, so HERE'S A TEN." Make sure the entire restaurant hears you, as though you're some sort of generous billionaire who understands that there are greater things in this universe than our own personal wealth so you're going above and beyond to donate half your fortune to some sort of Medical Research Clinic / Art Museum / Poor-Child Keeper Aliver Machine or whatever.
When the table ends up way short of the bill, make sure to keep telling everyone you only had "like one drink" and don't mention that you ate half the shared appetizers, but eventually say "Fine, here's another dollar, just keep it" and toss it on the table and keep throwing up your hands like you wouldn't even take the one dollar back if they forced you to!!!!
Boom! You just got a $56 meal for $11. Your friend eventually got frustrated trying to figure out who still owed money and just threw the rest on her card, so you're in the clear. The THRIFTY Clear!
Talk to your friend about getting movie tickets in advance. Tell them "Do you want to just buy them online and I'll pay you back?" Then after they agree and start buying them, add "Or I could buy them, whatever works" but they'll be like "I already bought them."
Never bring this up again. If your friend says "Hey, you still owe me for those movie tickets," be like "oh yeah! You're right," and do nothing else. If they bring it up again (UGHH!!!) be like "Oh man I'm so sorry I forgot, I don't have cash on me but definitely remind me later. Or I could just get them the next time?" then never go to a movie with that person again for 6 years.
Enjoy the free movie, Morgan FREE-Man!
When you're at your friends' place and they order food, politely decline and say "nahh, thanks, but I already ate", and pat your stomach to confirm this. Then when the food arrives, half-jokingly say "whoa, that looks really good, I should've gotten something" then stare at your friends with puppy-dog eyes until one of them begrudgingly sighs and says "Do you want a slice of pizza?" (NOTE: If no one asks, you may have to say "Mind if I grab just one tiiiiiny slice of pizza?" Make sure to ask in a manner so pathetic that it'll make them feel like assholes if they say 'no'.)
Eat the pizza. Tell your friends "I'll give you a dollar or whatever if it's a big deal?" and take out your wallet very demonstrably. They'll say "no," because they're all in the middle of eating food.
Success! Free pizza with some pepperoni and extra NO LOSS OF DIGNITY WHATSOEVER.
Bars are expensive, so don't forget this thrifty tip: Take THRIFT-vantage of your close friends!
Go up to the bar with one other friend and suggest "Do you want to get this round, then I'll get you the next time?" They'll always say "Sure," because you're "buds". Drink your drink way faster than they do, then sneak away and go buy a second drink while they're still finishing their first. This way, your drinks will be staggered for the entire rest of the evening, so that every time your friend is ready for another drink, you'll still be drinking yours, and vice versa.
If they DO successfully finish their drink at the exact same time as you do, just say "Yeah! I'll get you in a sec, gotta run to the bathroom" then go hide in the bathroom and look at your phone for 20 minutes and they'll get impatient and just buy their own drink. If this happens a second time, leave the bar without saying "bye" to anyone, turn off your phone, and don't hang out with anyone for a week.
Congrats! You're now one drink ahead for the rest of your life. Your friends are the best!
You and your roommate(s) need to buy toilet paper, paper towels, and dish soap? No problemo! You won't have to spend a cent on reasonably-priced, easily acquirable homegoods by following this tried-and-true "home savings remedy" from Dr. Asshole, MD.
Don't. Don't buy any toilet paper or paper towels. Just literally never buy any. Your roommate eventually will. They may passive-aggressively hint "Hey, I went ahead and bought some toilet paper," in which case you'll have to say "Ohhh, sorry, thanks! I was just at the store too and totally forgot!" but after that, you're in the clear (until you run out of stuff again, then just repeat the process.)
*NOTE: Many amateur-savers may feel the desire to cave after doing this 9 straight times and finally feel the urge to buy stuff. DON'T. You can literally keep doing this forever, and the worst you'll ever get is your roommate getting secretly furious at you and (worst-case-scenario) moving out. Do NOT let these hints distract you from your thrifty goal!
So there's a concert you want to see, but tickets are $75?? Don't worry! Here's a frugal tip that'll require a little bit of effort and a lot of being an asshole on your part, but it'll totally be worth it.
First, ask amongst your friends to see if anyone wants to go to the concert with you. When someone says yes, send them the link to buy the tickets, and suggest "One of us should just buy them together then we'll square up in person." Then say that you're at work right now so you can't type numbers into a computer for two minutes. They'll buy both tickets.
Then, a couple days before the concert, when your friend GChats you asking if you're excited, say "OHHHH MY GOD I totally forgot, I can't go that night. I'm so sorry! Can you get rid of the extra ticket? Ahhh, crap, that sucks. Want me to ask around for you?" They might find someone else to take the ticket, and they might not, but who cares? Didn't cost you a DIME.
You also didn't get to go to the concert, but whatever. Your friends already hate you anyway.
If you ever run into problems paying "actual amounts" for stuff when you're with your friends, remember the Three Golden Tips of $avings:
1) Just never have cash on you, ever.
2) If you DO have cash on you, make sure it's too big of a bill to break ($50s, $100s, and Novelty 'One Million Dollar' bills from the U.S. Treasury Gift Shop are ideal)
3) If someone ever brings up a past expense that you owe them, very convincingly reply "I definitely paid you for that, right?" They'll either believe you, or they'll know you're lying but won't want to feel like they're loan-sharking a friend of theirs for a few measley dollars so they'll just drop it. (Suckers!!)
...Because they're jealous of your incredible thriftiness! You did it!!!
Hm. Unrelated note, no one's texted me back tonight. I'm sure something's gotta be going on? I texted like eight people three hours ago. And I definitely remember Nick saying he was going out this weekend when I was overhearing his conversation. This is weird -- guess I better call someone. But no one's picking up?
Anyway, I'll sort out my weekend in a sec. The point is, congratulations!!! You now have a PhD in EASY MONEY SAVIN!
Come onnnnn, dude, SOMEONE pick up. Is it the phone service in my place? Shit, it's gotta be. Gonna get closer to the window.
(Pics via Shutterstock)